Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen. You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines." You believe dual air bags refer to your wife and mother-in-law. Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner. You were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis 45's. You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl'. The people on Jerry Springer's show remind you of your neighbors. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off it's wheels. You carried a fishing pole into Sea World. Your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby as a result of an alien abduction. You think subdivision is part of a math problem. You think there's nothin wrong with incest as long as you keep it in the family. You can get dog hair from out of your belly button. You think the three primary colors are John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray. Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against it. The beer can collection in the town museum is the big tourist attraction. You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. You take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took. Your whole family is Democrats except little Mary. She got to readin'. You believe that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups. You think genitalia is an Italian airline. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids. You keep empty beer cans in your fridge for your friends that don't drink. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night. The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife. You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner. You buy your jewelry at the hardware store. Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick. You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture. The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones. You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy. You've been too drunk to fish. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people". You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does. You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison. You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut. You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard. Your mother comes outta the bathroom and says, "Y'all come look at this before flush it!" You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift. You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food. You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear. The fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year." You have 5 cars that are immobile and a house that is! Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end." Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds. Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town. The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection. You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education. In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?". Your child's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers!". You can belch and say your name at the same time. The UFO hotline limits you to one call a day. You hit a bump in the road and lose half of your worldly possessions. Thanksgiving dinner was ruined because you ran out of ketchup. You wonder why there isn't a hairstyle called "The Hat Line." The same pair of boots have been in your family for five generations and they're only twenty years old. You think the Franklin Mint is a breath freshener. You think doctorin' involves mamma's sewing kit and a jug. The strongest smell in your house is butane. Your dog passes gas and you claim it. You think paprika is a Third World country. You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in." None of your shirts cover your stomach. Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath." You judge drive time solely by the number of beers you need to take. Your home has more miles on it than your car. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment. You think the stock market has a fence around it. Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater. You own a homemade fur coat. You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen. The Salvation Army declines your mattress. You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born. You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial. Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos". You think a chain saw is a musical instrument. You've ever given rat traps as gifts. You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table. Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list. You've totaled every car you've ever owned. There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door. The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape. You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.