Favourite Jokes

[Deutscher]

Thought I'd start a thread were we could put all our favourite jokes into. Saves making lots of single threads. Thought this could be like the Bad Jokes thread. :thumbsup:

 

[Deutscher]

Aussie Mateship

One night the wife didn't come home. She arrives in the morning and the husband asks where she had been, she tells him that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The husband calls his wife's 7 best friends. All of them said that she didn't come over last night.

....a week later...

The husband doesn’t come home one night. The following day the wife asks where he had been, he calmly replies that he had slept at a mate’s place, a few of the boys came round, and they had a couple beers. He was thinking of his safety and thought it was better not to drive home that night. The wife calls her husband's 7 best mates. Five of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.

 

[MasterOfReality]

One I told my old man - he wasn't amused.

How much does a German pay for a haircut?

6 euros, 1 for each side.

Boxhead hahaha.

 

[Deutscher]

Things to Never Say to a Woman During an Argument


Whoa, time out. Football is on.

Sorry. I was just picturing you naked.

Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?

Don't you have some laundry to do or something?

You are so cute when you get mad.

You're just upset because your bottom is beginning to spread.

Wait a minute - I get it. What time of the month is it?

You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one?

Looks like someone had an extra bowl of bitch flakes this morning!

Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded.

 

[Deutscher]

A Letter from Men to Women

To all women,
On behalf of all men I would like to clarify a few points:

- The floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage location.

- Never ask me to purchase feminine products. Assume that I will come home with the wrong thing.

- When watching TV hugging is always fine because I can still see the screen. Kissing should only be done during timeouts and commercials. Questions should also be limited to this period as you stand a much better chance of getting an immediate response.

- When we are watching your show and I change the channels during a commercial do not hassle me that they are over to change the channel back. I always know when the timing is right. Also, when we are channel surfing do not ask me to go back, there was a good reason why I skipped it.

- If you need help with the laundry, I am more than willing to carry it from the bedroom to the washer. In my mind this is half the chore and I am now free to return to the couch.

- If I mention that a male friend of mine is allowed to do something it is not necessary for you to call his wife/girlfriend to discuss it.

- If you don't like the way I am driving close your eyes. And I would appreciate it if you would refrain from making that reverse inhaling alarmed noise. I haven't hit anything yet and if I do it will be your fault.

- I go clothes shopping to buy, never to look.

- Just tell me what you want me to wear before I get dressed. And remember that this takes me less than ten minutes no matter what the occasion is. After all I am getting dressed, not getting ready.

- Don't ask me if I prefer one outfit over another or if a certain accessory should be worn or not. I consider this a no win situation and would rather just wait for you to get dressed while watching TV.

- If you want me to put the seat down when I am finished then you should leave the seat up when you are finished. It's only fair. And stop giving me a hard time about missing the bowl. What do you expect from an organ that has a brain of its own.

- I will cook anything as long as it is on the BBQ.

- Yelling to me across the house sounds exactly like stadium crowd background noise to me. I am not ignoring you.

Thank you for your understanding,
From all men.

 

[Escape-The-Fate]

Q. What is the difference between an indian with a red dot on his forehead and an indian with a turban?

A. The one with the dot is a push start and the other is a pull start.

 

[forna_katie]

Kylie Minogue, Robbie Williams and Elton John were walking over a bridge.

Kylie trips and gets her head jammed between the railings.

With a couple of sideways glances, Robbie pulls aside her G-String, and bonks her senseless!

He stands back and tells Elton "your turn".

Elton starts crying!

"What's up?" asks Robbie.

Elton sobs, "My head wont fit through the railings"

 

[Kernal]

Q. What is the difference between an indian with a red dot on his forehead and an indian with a turban?

A. The one with the dot is a push start and the other is a pull start.

The ones with the turbans aren't indians.

 

[Deutscher]

A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes. When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off. When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0. The cop says, 'How is this possible?' The guy says,'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'

 

[mrbeef]

^^ thats freaking gold! must try that