Bad Jokes!

[Jecs]

Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night, a drunk guy led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.

'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friends asked.
'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' he drunkenly replied.
'A talking Australian clock - seriously?'

'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).'

'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.

'Just watch' he said.

He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back.

His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.

Suddenly, an Australian voice from the other side of the wall screamed,

'For f**k's sake, you stupid prick. It's ten past three in the f**king morning!!!

 

[Jecs]

A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice
of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's
this
Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something -- "a bowl of
soup?
homemade muffins? a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for
food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like
a
juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie
chicken or tasty stir fry?"

Again, he declines: "No, it's got to be the Viagra....I'm still not
hungry."

Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

(i want this women!)

 

[Jecs]

Two Australian builders (Phil and Eric) are seated either side of a
table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits
on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the
occupation of the suit.

Phil: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Phil: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer
gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he
sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers
get the better of the builder.

Phil: - 'Scuse me.. no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.

Phil: - Oh! What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Phil: - Er... mmm . well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Phil: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Phil: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Phil: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and
that you are quite probably married?

Phil: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Phil:- Yep! Four nights a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?

Phil: - Me? Never.

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Phil: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

Phil: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate.

Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Phil: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Eric: - What's that then?

Phil: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Eric: - Nope.

Phil: - Well then, you're a wanker.

 

[Jecs]

A man walks into a petrol station and says, 'can I please have a KitKat Chunky?'
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
'No,' says the man, 'I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch.'

 

[Chickenboi999]

heard this one the other day
wats funnier than a baby spinning on a clotheslines at 100kmph?
stopping it with a shovel!
lost my **** wen i heard that

 

[hsvpunk]

some comedy gold Jecs, good job.

 

[SquishyShoes]

some comedy gold Jecs, good job.

I agree awesome stuff.


EDIT: Osama Bin Ladin and a biker are walking down a road together, when they spot a lamp. They both rub it and a genie pops out and says he'll grant them a wish each. Osama Bin Ladin wishes for a giant wall around Iraq so no 'infidels' can get into his country and that he was there to rule it. The genie clicks his fingers and Osama disappears. The biker says to the genie, "tell me about this wall." The genie says "it's 5000m high and no one can get in or out." The biker pulls out a cigarette lights it than says to the genie, "fill it with water."

No offence meant to anyone just thought it was funny.

 

[fuzzy2308]

Yo mama's so cheap, she's on the dollar menu..........

Yo mama's is so fat that when god said," Let there be light," he told her to move her fat ass out the way first ! .............................

Yo mama's so poor, she stands outside Kentucky fried chicken and licks other peoples fingers!!!!

You mamas so fat even dora couldn't explore her!!!!

yo mumma so fat she fell in the grand canyon... and got stuck!


Yo mumma's so dumb she got hit by a parked car


yo mumma's so fat she sat on a rainbow n skittles popped out
hmm not so funny lol


Yo Mama So Ugly, your Daddy takes her to work each day so he doesny have to kiss her goodbye...


Yo Mama So Old, She Owes Jesus 3 Bucks

Yo Mama So Stupid, I told her drinks were on the house...so she went and got a ladder...



StankoYo Mama got so much hair on her chest that her Breasts remind me of Coconuts...


Hahahahhahha, your mumma so short she can sit on the gutter and swing her feet


your mamma's so fat, she makes summo wrestlers look Annorexic!!!

Yo mama so fat she eats Wheat Thicks

Yo mama so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized

Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued

Yo mama so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."

Yo mama so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning.

Yo mama so ugly just after she was born, her mother said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it."

Yo mama so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.

Yo mama so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower

Yo mama so ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.

Yo mama so ugly instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck

 

[Jecs]

Men Are Just Naturally Happier


NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.


EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.


MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.


BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.


ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.


DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.


NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.


OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

 

[Reaper]

A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation.... no one wants him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims, ....
"If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!" The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, ....
"If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the
college education of all his children!" More sighs and loud applause, .

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex!"

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her, . "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his fore head with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies,
"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, "Screw the Preacher!"