Joke of the Day

[ephect]

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A Honda mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Honda when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this.?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the Honda.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new.
So how is it that I make $34k a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work.?"
The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic.... "Try doing it with the f'in engine running!..

 

[Mavericks Choice]

It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of an Irish pub.
An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water.
A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.
"Fishin' ",replied the old man.
"Poor old fool" thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub.
Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, "And how many have you caught?"
"You're the eighth", he replied!

 

[Rocketeer]

A boss is worried about one of his employees because he’d never been late or taken a day off after 10 years of service.
He rang the employees number.
Little Linda answered and he asked is your daddy home?
She whispered yes, he then asked can I speak with him?

Little Linda whispered no, the boss said why not?
She whispered because he’s talking to a policeman.

A bit concerned he asked is your mummy home ?
Little Linda whispered yes, he then asked can I speak to her?

Little Linda whispered no.
He asked why not and as she was answering he heard sirens and helicopters, she whispered "because shes talking. to a policeman".

Really concerned he asked why are they talking to the police ?

Little Linda whispered because there looking for me!!!

 

[Rocketeer]

No wonder men are happier!

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate, and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate, and Sarah.

If Mike, Dave, and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba, and Wildman.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, outcome the pocket calculators or smart phones.

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the rubbish, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

 

[Rocketeer]

Little Melissa comes home from her first grade class and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get angry at me for giving someone a valentine?"

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get angry. Who do you want to give a Valentine to?"”

Vladimir Putin," she says.

"Why Vladimir Putin," her father asks in shock.

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give him Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to President Putin, he'd start to love everyone a lot more. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know, "Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, we could shoot the wanker!"

 

[Rocketeer]

Brad lives in Melbourne, he was sick of the World, of Covid-19, Chinese belligerence, global warming, species extinction, racial tension, and all the rest of the disturbing stories that occupy the media headlines.

Brad drove his car into his garage at home, carefully sealed up around the windows and doorways of his garage, selected his favourite radio station and left his car at a slow idle.

Two days later, his neighbour realising she had seen no sign of Brad for a while, peered through the garage window to see Brad at the wheel of his car. Immediately she phoned emergency services. Police, fire and the ambulance arrived promptly.

After pulling Brad from his car and giving him a sip of water, he seemed as good as gold.
Brad drives a Tesla. It now has a flat battery.

He also votes Green…which explains his non-understanding of the real world.

 

[Mavericks Choice]

An 8 year old girl went to the office with her father on "Take your child to work day."
As they walked around the office, she started crying and being crabby & cranky.
Her father asked, "What's wrong, honey? I thought you wanted to come to work with me today?"
As the staff gathered around, she sobbed loudly: “Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you work with?”

 

[Mavericks Choice]

I had an aunt who was told by the Vet to get her overweight dog outside of the house more often.
She then took him for car rides twice a day.
I worry those genes are in me somewhere.

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Old Granny Parkinson had won over half a million dollars in the lottery,

but as she was a frail little woman her family was concerned that the shock of hearing the news might prove too much for her. Accordingly, they called in the family doctor to ask his advice.

“I’ll tell her if you like,” said the doctor. “I’ll lead up to it gradually.”

The family accepted his offer gratefully, and showed him into the old lady’s bedroom.

The doctor pretended to give her a routine examination and then began to chat generally of this and that, carefully leading the conversation round to money.

“Tell me Mrs. Parkinson,” he said, “what would you do if you suddenly came into half a million dollars?”

“Half a million?” said the old lady reflectively, “well you’ve always been very good to me, doctor, so I think I’d give half of it to you.”

And the doctor immediately collapsed and died of shock.