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Trip to Bunnings (LOL)

Discussion in 'Jokes/Humour' started by Damo304, Jul 18, 2009.

  1. Damo304

    Damo304 Donating Member

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    The writer of this piece paints a very vivid picture...

    I went to Bunnings recently while not being altogether sure that course of action
    was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a
    massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to s**t yourself'
    road-kill chilli. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which
    comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of
    your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

    Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all
    of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite
    habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to
    create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and
    lightning'.

    Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off
    for Bunnings, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the
    den.Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began
    pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the
    opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit
    me.

    Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that
    'Uh, Oh, S**t, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The
    thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chilli from the night
    before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the
    small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one
    step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened.
    Thepeppers fired a warning shot.

    There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a noxious
    cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move
    for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.
    Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began
    to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the
    corner and asked if I needed any help.

    I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the
    malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two
    different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you
    at least will be able to relate.

    I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an
    invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he
    could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking
    and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees.
    This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .......BIG
    mistake!!!!!

    Here's thething. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what
    I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether
    region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other
    aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a
    shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store
    towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make
    it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

    Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the toilet, began the inevitable
    'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging.
    One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning
    of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said,
    'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.

    Oncefinished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending
    to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir,
    you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set
    off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high
    for a minute or two which ought to take care of theproblem.'

    My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff,
    jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing
    at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments
    later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and
    asked none too kindly not to return.

    Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover
    chilli, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes. I
    can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole
    matter.

    The Pricks claim they're going to have to repaint the store.[/LEFT]
     
    Last edited: Jul 18, 2009
  2. Cobez

    Cobez LS-EXUAL

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    Was alright i guess. Wasn't hugely funny. Just about a dude who farted and had a massive shit.
     
  3. S2_VR_

    S2_VR_ New Member

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    i didnt read it, by the sounds yours is funnier... lol... i'll give it a go soon...(reading it)
     
  4. holdenboy4life

    holdenboy4life New Member

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    i agree^^ nothing really funny about it
     
  5. LowVtWagon

    LowVtWagon LowVtWagon

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    found it quite funny!! wheres ur sense of humour??
     
  6. MikesCalais

    MikesCalais Trust me, I'm a Doctor

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    I didnt read it either, but I recently found out bunnings have toilets :)
     
  7. jaisvz

    jaisvz New Member

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    um, this is friggen hilarious.
     
  8. (CODEZ)

    (CODEZ) formerly cody_vp92

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    i thought it was hilarious
     
  9. greenacc

    greenacc Searching for the billion

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    this was made even funnier by the fact that i just returned from bunnings.
     
  10. CANYONERO

    CANYONERO Likes Cheese...

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    sorry, fell asleep the first time i attemped to read it, second attempt by the time a finished i couldnt remember the start lol.
     
  11. maldotcom2

    maldotcom2 New Member

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    I work at bunnings and i seriously doubt any of that is true, aside from the guy farting.
     
  12. Cobez

    Cobez LS-EXUAL

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    I didn't know Bunnings HAD toilets lol. Akll the times i have been there and have needed to puss, and there were bloody toilets!!! Lol.
     
  13. vx_ss_black

    vx_ss_black phantom vx

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    i cried. you found my weakness! toilet humour. funniest thing all day. thank you so much. i can sleep easy now
     
  14. HamaTime™

    HamaTime™ VIP Member

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    :yeah: F*CKING LOL! :bow:

    I cried...soooo hard.!
     
  15. Troy5L

    Troy5L building a lemon

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    i pissed myself when it says the guy walked in and said "son of a bitch", coz i can picture that happening..bahahahahahahahaha
     
  16. tufcalais

    tufcalais I like boobs

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    muhahaha farts
     
  17. 21AZI

    21AZI New Member

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    found it quite funny too
     
  18. mitchvsute

    mitchvsute New Member

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    its pretty funny but not the best story i have read
     
  19. LOWPACK

    LOWPACK New Member

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    hahaha long but good
     
  20. coolngroovy

    coolngroovy New Member

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    Well done. I got a laugh!
    Probably because i like chilli! :)
     

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