SHE RUNS!!!
Turns out that when I replaced the CAS and the Balancer, I didn't line them up properly. Didn't even think about it at the time. Turned the engine over by hand to make sure that it wouldn't take off any fins on the back of the balancer...but didn't notice that it was shaving away at the CAS.
Shaved away so much (it was only out of alignment by half a mm) that it had shagged the sensor.
Result: The CAS was dead (even though there was no ecu error code saying so), engine didn't know when to spark...timing was up the ****ter...
Solution: Chuck the old CAS back on (I replaced it even though it wasn't dead), line everything up with feeler gauges and everything else I could through at it. Turned the key and away it goes.
Thanks for all the advice. It was while I was checking the coils that I thought to check the CAS.
Chalk one more fix up to the guys and girls on this board.