Bad Jokes!

[NZVK308]

The lesbians next door to me, gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
Very nice, but I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.


Hemi strolling through Mt roskill& looks over spying a medle eastern chap on his porch beating a carpet with a stick.. Hemi looks up and shouts SUP ABDUL?? wont it start man?


Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China ?
Everybody won.

Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans.

Got through to a call centre in Pakistan .

Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane


Tampax are changing their design they are replacing the string with a piece of tinsel ....

This is for the Christmas period only!

 

[NZVK308]

A Frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Hello Miss Whack, I'm Kermit Jagger, son of Mick Jagger, and I'd like to get a £10,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain pig, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog here called Kermit Jagger, son of Mick Jagger, who wants to borrow £10,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink pig. "I mean, what in the world is this‽"

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

 

[NZVK308]

A blokes visiting his comatose wife in hospital ... she's not moved much in a year or more.

As he's leaving he gives her a kiss and brushes his hand over her , er, bosom ... she lets out a sigh

He yells to tell the Doctor that she's finally made a sound !

"Thats great" says the doc "a positive sign ... try it again on the other one and lets see what happens".

Sure enough she lets out another sigh ...

"Ok", says the doc " this is real progress ...how about you try to stimulate her further and she might wake up , start with oral sex , I will leave the room to give you both some privacy"

A few minutes later the husband rushes out to the Doc yelling " help, help"

"what's wrong " asks the Doc ??

" I dunno, it sounded like she was choking " he replies

 

[Maci]

2 cows standing in a paddock.

one says "moo"

the other says "you bastard! i was gonna say that!"

 

[Jecs]

two condoms walk past a gay bar and 1 says to the other 'lets go in there and get **** faced'

 

[theperthvan]

What do 75,000 abused women have in common?

They don't listen

 

[theperthvan]

My last girlfriend called me a pedophile. Pretty big word for a 9-year-old.

 

[ENV5]

A woman goes to a dairy and says, " I want to take a milk bath!", the sales person says, "Ok, do you want pastuerized?".....she says, "No, just up to my boobs!".

 

[Dogsbreath]

A vampire walked into a pub and asked the barman for some boiling water.
The barman said..." I thought you vampires only drank blood.?"
The vampire pulled out a used tampon and said "I'm making tea."

 

[Dogsbreath]

I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today.

Unfortunately, it's only for victims.