Most Batchelors have been the victims of a blind date. Numerous well meaning friends and relatives are always willing to "fix up" unsuspecting fellas with girls whom they describe as "perfect for you." However, from the description given, it is difficult to imagine what these girls may be like. After considerable research, as a public service, I have attempted to translate some of these descriptive phrases into plain English: Nice little house keeper: She has been married three times and kept all the houses. Fine character: She's ugly. Knows how to handle money: She's a spendthrift [and great at spending yours]. Spotless reputation: She's ugly. Strong family ties: She's a Mafia Princess. Loves children: She's pregnant and needs a husband. Wonderful personality: She's fat. Great sense of humor: She's fat and will laugh at anything you say. The outdoor type: She hunts, fishes, chews gum, and shaves just like the guys. Ready to settle down: She's thirty-five, in a state of panic, and dying to marry. Likes to have a good time: She gets drunk a lot. Lots of fun at parties: Often makes an ass of herself. Mature woman: She's at least thirty but looks at least forty-five. Has the appearance of a young school girl: She's at least thirty-three but dresses like a teenager. Casual: She dresses like a slob. Decorated her own place: Her flat resembles a pig sty. A great dancer: She'll wear the soles right off your shoes. Not overly emotional: She cries only twenty-seven times a day. Doesn't chase men: She's more of a mousetrap or a black widow spider type. Seldom dates: She's a lesbian who needs a male escort for something. Understands men: She's been married and divorced four times. A good sport: She knows two hundred jokes and can drink you under the table. Looks and dresses like a model: She's five eleven and weighs ten stone. Been in show business: She's a former porn movie star. Traveled a lot: She's searched high and low for a husband. Knows a lot of interesting people: None of whom would marry her. Wonderful disposition: She's ugly.