kiwicon
Active Member
Have had this sitting in my hotmail account ' dated 2002' - feel free to take out Auckland and insert your own city..
Subject: Basic Rules for Driving in Auckland
1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Auckland driver
never uses them. In addition, most new cars sold in the
Auckland do not have indicators as they are an optional extra.
2. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance
between you and the car in front of you, or somebody else will fill in that
space putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
3. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is
considered "going with the flow."
4. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the
chance you have of getting hit.
5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive
bodywork. The other guy doesn't have anything to lose.
6. Braking is to be done as hard and as late as possible to
ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the
brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to
stretch your legs.
7. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as
suggestions and are apparently not enforceable in the metro area during rush hour.
8. Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut
during rush-hour traffic in Auckland.
9. Always SLOW down and rubber-neck when you see an accident
or even someone changing a tyre.
10. Everybody thinks their vehicle is better than yours,
especially 4WD drivers.
11. Learn to swerve abruptly. Auckland is the home of
High-Speed Slalom Driving thanks to Auckland Transport and the Department of
Main Roads, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers'
reflexes and keep them on their toes.
12. It is traditional in Auckland to honk your horn at cars
that don't move the instant the light changes.
13. Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your
right of way.
14. Never take a green light at face value. Always look
right and left before proceeding.
15. Remember that the goal of every Auckland driver is to
get there first, by whatever means necessary.
16. Real Auckland women drivers can put on pantyhose and
apply eye makeup at 75 k/ph in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
17. Real Auckland men drivers can remove pantyhose and a bra
at 75 k/ph in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
18. Heavy fog and rain are no reasons to change any of the
previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God's way
ensuring a natural selection process for body shops, junkyards,
and new vehicle sales.
19. There is a common held belief in Auckland that high
speed tailgating in heavy traffic reduces petrol consumption as you
get sucked along in the slipstream of the car in front.
20. It's OK to cut off fully loaded semi-trailers, road
trains and buses because they have brakes.
21. It is an essential duty of the driver to preserve the
life of his passengers. Hence no matter how much of an inconvenience it
may be, always find a detour around K Road in Auckland.
22. Always anticipate oncoming traffic while driving down a
one way street.
23. It's OK when driving in Aucklands Western and Southern
suburbs to air your grievances at bad drivers by giving the "one finger salute"
while screaming out "ar$ehole". But it is imperative you are driving a turbo
charged 5 litre V8 with a crow bar in your lap.
Subject: Basic Rules for Driving in Auckland
1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Auckland driver
never uses them. In addition, most new cars sold in the
Auckland do not have indicators as they are an optional extra.
2. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance
between you and the car in front of you, or somebody else will fill in that
space putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
3. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is
considered "going with the flow."
4. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the
chance you have of getting hit.
5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive
bodywork. The other guy doesn't have anything to lose.
6. Braking is to be done as hard and as late as possible to
ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the
brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to
stretch your legs.
7. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as
suggestions and are apparently not enforceable in the metro area during rush hour.
8. Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut
during rush-hour traffic in Auckland.
9. Always SLOW down and rubber-neck when you see an accident
or even someone changing a tyre.
10. Everybody thinks their vehicle is better than yours,
especially 4WD drivers.
11. Learn to swerve abruptly. Auckland is the home of
High-Speed Slalom Driving thanks to Auckland Transport and the Department of
Main Roads, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers'
reflexes and keep them on their toes.
12. It is traditional in Auckland to honk your horn at cars
that don't move the instant the light changes.
13. Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your
right of way.
14. Never take a green light at face value. Always look
right and left before proceeding.
15. Remember that the goal of every Auckland driver is to
get there first, by whatever means necessary.
16. Real Auckland women drivers can put on pantyhose and
apply eye makeup at 75 k/ph in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
17. Real Auckland men drivers can remove pantyhose and a bra
at 75 k/ph in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
18. Heavy fog and rain are no reasons to change any of the
previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God's way
ensuring a natural selection process for body shops, junkyards,
and new vehicle sales.
19. There is a common held belief in Auckland that high
speed tailgating in heavy traffic reduces petrol consumption as you
get sucked along in the slipstream of the car in front.
20. It's OK to cut off fully loaded semi-trailers, road
trains and buses because they have brakes.
21. It is an essential duty of the driver to preserve the
life of his passengers. Hence no matter how much of an inconvenience it
may be, always find a detour around K Road in Auckland.
22. Always anticipate oncoming traffic while driving down a
one way street.
23. It's OK when driving in Aucklands Western and Southern
suburbs to air your grievances at bad drivers by giving the "one finger salute"
while screaming out "ar$ehole". But it is imperative you are driving a turbo
charged 5 litre V8 with a crow bar in your lap.
Obviously Melbourne has more people, but Melbourne is massively spread out as well.