Drop it
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How do you know when an Irishmen is havin fun? He's Dublin over with laughter...
Welcome to Just Commodores, a site specifically designed for all people who share the same passion as yourself.
Joke
- Thread starter Drop it
- Start date
mikeey01nzl
New Member
Husbands emergency message to his wife on his mobile:
"Honey, a car has hit me on my way out of the office.
Paula brought me to the hospital. They have been doing tests and taking X-rays.
The blow to my head has been very strong. Fortunately it seems that did not cause any serious injury,
but I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg and they may have to amputate the right foot."
Wifes Response:
Who the **** is Paula?
"Honey, a car has hit me on my way out of the office.
Paula brought me to the hospital. They have been doing tests and taking X-rays.
The blow to my head has been very strong. Fortunately it seems that did not cause any serious injury,
but I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg and they may have to amputate the right foot."
Wifes Response:
Who the **** is Paula?
mikeey01nzl
New Member
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
Tsunamix
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ANd thats when the fight started..
She asked me whats on the TV and I said - Dust.....
She asked for something red that goes 0-100 fast. I gave her a set of scales...
We went to a restaurant in Cheshire in the UK. I ordered Rump. The waiter said "what about the Mad Cow?".. I said - she can order for herself...
We went to a Pub. My wife sighed and started at a man swigging his drink. She pointed at him and said "I used to date him. We split up and he started drinking". I said Amazing that he can celebrate for that long...
But my mum in law a cemetery plot for her birthday. The next year I got get nothing. She asked me why, and i answered "Cause you haven't used the last one"...
Did I miss any ?
She asked me whats on the TV and I said - Dust.....
She asked for something red that goes 0-100 fast. I gave her a set of scales...
We went to a restaurant in Cheshire in the UK. I ordered Rump. The waiter said "what about the Mad Cow?".. I said - she can order for herself...
We went to a Pub. My wife sighed and started at a man swigging his drink. She pointed at him and said "I used to date him. We split up and he started drinking". I said Amazing that he can celebrate for that long...
But my mum in law a cemetery plot for her birthday. The next year I got get nothing. She asked me why, and i answered "Cause you haven't used the last one"...
Did I miss any ?
mikeey01nzl
New Member
An oldie but a goodie....
Retired Husband
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse..
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:
Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking..
2.. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3.. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least:
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
Retired Husband
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse..
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:
Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking..
2.. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3.. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least:
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
mikeey01nzl
New Member
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'
mikeey01nzl
New Member
The Royal and Ancient Golf Club has voted in favour of allowing women members for the first time in its 260-year history.
A spokesman said, 'for years we have denied women entrance, and frankly the place now needs a bloody good Hoover'.
A spokesman said, 'for years we have denied women entrance, and frankly the place now needs a bloody good Hoover'.
SavVYute
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- VY S V6 Ute Series II 2004
In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to an African jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc) the retiring colonel said,
"You must meet my Adjutant, young Captain Smithers,
he's my right-hand man, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed
and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.
"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.
I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."
Here the colonel interrupted,
"Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file"
Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to **** off..
After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc) the retiring colonel said,
"You must meet my Adjutant, young Captain Smithers,
he's my right-hand man, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed
and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.
"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.
I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."
Here the colonel interrupted,
"Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file"
Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to **** off..