Joke of the Day

[Mavericks Choice]

Went on a date last night
She said,Have you got any pets?
I said, A goldfish
She said,Whats its name ?
I said, Goldie
She said Any Hobbies ?
I said, He likes swimming,,

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Teacher asks little Tommy if Jesus walked in the class what would he do, Tommy said I'd put a Bible in his hand and say THIS IS YOUR LIFE!!..

 

[Rocketeer]

CARP - Canadian Association of Retired People - Questions and Answers
from CARP Forum:

Q: Where can single men over the age of 70 find younger women who are
interested in them?

A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?

A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement.
When you're done, you will have a place to live.


Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your over-70 year-old husband?

A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?

A: Take off your glasses.

Q Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles
on my face?

A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 70-plus year old people use valet parking?

A: Valets don't forget where they park your car

Q: Is it common for 70-plus year olds to have problems with short term
memory storage?

A: Storing memory is not a problem. Retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 70-plus year olds look for eye glasses?

A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 70-plus year old when they
enter antique stores?

A: "Gosh, I remember these!"

 

[Rocketeer]

Recently, while I was working in the flower beds in the front yard, my
neighbours stopped to chat as they returned home from walking their dog.
During our friendly conversation, I asked their little girl what she
wanted to be when she grew up.

She said she wanted to be Prime Minister someday.
Both of her parents, Labor Party members, were standing there so I asked
her, "If you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you would
do?"

She replied.. "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people." Her
parents beamed with pride!

"Wow...what a worthy goal!" I said . . . "But you don't have to wait
until you're Prime Minister to do that!"

"What do you mean?" she replied.

So I told her, "You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull
weeds, and trim my hedge, and I'll pay you $50. Then you can go over to
the grocery store where the homeless bloke hangs out, and you can give
him the $50 to use toward food and a new house."

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in
the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless man come over and do the
work, and you can just pay him the $50?"

I said, "Welcome to the Liberal Party”.

Her parents aren't speaking to me anymore.

 

[keith reed]

Somewhere in Alabama.
I'll have a glass of wine please.
A glass of wine, you aren't from these parts are you boy?
Nope.
Where you from boy?
Idaho.
What do you do in Idaho?
I'm a taxidermist.
What does a taxidermist do?
I mount animals.
Don't worry boys he's one of us.

 

[vc commodore]

When you get to my age, it's easy to loose sight of your feet

 

[vc commodore]

Due to unfortunate circumstances, I'm out of bed

 

[Rocketeer]

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.
So they did.
Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to his office he regretted what he had promised, deciding that the whole event was not worth the price.
So, he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note:
Dear Madam,
Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment.
I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that:
1) it had never been occupied
2) that there was plenty of heat
3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and feel at home.
Last night, however, I found it had been previously occupied, that there was no heat, and it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
1. Dear Sir, first of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
2. As for the heat, there is heat if you know how to turn it on.
3. Regarding the space, the apartment is, indeed, of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please don’t blame the landlady!

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him go down to the principal's office, he was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and he returned to the classroom, where he sat down in his seat. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mother." she screamed. "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.”

 

[Mavericks Choice]

The wife said what would really be a nice birthday surprise was if i got her something to run around Town in...So ive bought her a tracksuit and a new pair of trainers.