Joke of the Day

[Mavericks Choice]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were standing looking at a prize cow in a field. The Englishman says “Look at that fine English cow.” The Scotsman disagreed, saying “No, it’s an Scottish cow.” The Irishman thought for a moment and then clinched the argument. “No, it’s an Irish cow – it’s got bagpipes underneath.

 

[Rocketeer]

The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup.

I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."

 

[Rocketeer]

 

[Mavericks Choice]

I was in church today,me mate came up and said,Ive just seen a man come in on cruches take a sip of the holy water and then threw his cruches away,I said wow where is he now? He said flat on his arse by the holy water,,,,,

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Two proud Irish moms:
Two Irish mothers, Kate and Lorna were talking about their sons.
Kate says, ‘My Patrick is such a saint. He works hard, doesn’t smoke, and he hasn’t so much as looked at a woman in over two years.’
Lorna responds, ‘Well, my Francis is a saint himself. Not only hasn’t he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn’t touched a drop of liquor in all that time.’
‘My word,’ says Kate, ‘You must be so proud.’
‘I am,’ announces Lorna, ‘And when he’s paroled next month, I’m going to throw him a big party’ lol

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A passenger plane traveling from Australia to California is suddenly hit with a severe engine problem and plummets into the Pacific Ocean.
The impact is such that the plane is ripped apart leaving only one man alive. After hours of swimming he spies an island and drags himself up onto the sandy shores.
Though he is half drowned and aware that he is thousands of miles from home, he cannot but admire the beauty of the island he has found himself on.
Looking down the beach he sees a figure lying on the beach, another survivor from the crash. He runs over and sees that she is not breathing, so quickly he gives her the kiss of life. After several attempts she coughs into life. As she wipes the hair from her face he now can see who it is...its Kylie Minogue!
Forever grateful to him for saving her life, they strike up an immediate bond, and over the following weeks, while stranded on the island, they fall madly in love. One day Kylie is walking down the beach and notices her new found love sitting on the rocks by the beach, staring out to sea, with a look of sorrow on his face. She wanders over to him, and asks what is wrong. "Kylie," he says, "The last few weeks have been the greatest of my life. We've found this island paradise. We have all the food and water we could require, and I have you, but still I can't help feeling there's something missing."
Kylie replies: "What my darling? What is it that you need? I'll do anything".
"Well there is one thing. Would you mind putting on my shirt?"
"OK"
"And my trousers?"
"OK"
At this point he gets up and grabs some charcoal from the ground, and draws a neat moustache on her lips. "OK... Can you start to walk around the island, and I'll set off the other way and meet you half way."
"OK dear, whatever will make you happy?"
So off they set. After an hour walking he eventually sees her heading towards him along the beach, at which point he breaks into a sprint, runs up to her, grabs her by the shoulders and shouts:
"Hey mate, you won't believe who I'm shagging'!!

 

[Mavericks Choice]

I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.
I'm not sure what scared him more. My naked body or the fact I knew where he lived.

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she's ever had.
After dinner, she goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs.
She is met by two brothers, "Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles."
"I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"
Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."
She turns the other brother and says, "Then you must be...?"
"Yes, I'm the chip monk."

 

[Mavericks Choice]

One night a man was walking back to his apartment when he was set upon by a masked robber. Although he wasn’t exactly a martial arts specialist, he immediately decided to fight back. With arms flailing about, the two men engaged in a fierce battle that saw them rolling about in full view of passers-by, kicking and screaming with rage.
Despite putting up a tremendous fight, the man was eventually overpowered by the robber and pinned down. He raised in hands in tired defeat, and the robber wearily turned him around and searched his pockets for the treasure he defended so strongly. He searched the man everywhere, but he found nothing more than a single pound coin. “Why did you put up such a crazy fight just for that?” asked the robber, gasping for breath. “You can't have it!” shouted the man. “You’re a crazy person, get lost,” said the bewildered robber.
"Oh, you just want the pound... I thought you were after the £5000 I've got in my shoe."

 

[Mavericks Choice]

God created man,stepped back and said "Perfect."
He then created woman,stepped back,had a long look and said "Faark me! this`ll have to wear make up!"