Bad Jokes!

[Jecs]

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that
morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and
say, "Happy Birthday!", and
possibly have a small present for me

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy
Birthday."

I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... They will
remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat
despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss,
and by the way Happy Birthday! "
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You
know, It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you
and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.
Let's go!"

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose
instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way
back to the office, Jane said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the
office, Do We ?"

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's
drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, " Boss, if
you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment.
I'll be right back." "Ok," I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake .
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers,
all singing "Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked..

 

[paknponys]

definition of trust? a blowjob from a cannibal

 

[Jecs]

Email convo of poor ol' Kyle

From: Niresh Regmi
Sent: Wednesday, 27 August 2008 9:35 a.m.
To: Kyle Doyle
Subject: Absence on Thursday 21st 2008
Hi Kyle,
Please provide a medical certificate stating a valid reason for your sick leave on Thursday 21st 2008.
Thank You

NIRESH REGMI
Real Time Manager, Workforce Operations
Ground Floor, 30 Ross Street, Glebe, NSW, 2037

From: Kyle Doyle
Sent: Wednesday, 27 August 2008 9:38 a.m.
To: Niresh Regmi
Subject: RE: Absence on Thursday 21st 2008
Niresh,
1 day leave absences do not require a medical certificate as stated in my contract, provided I have stated that I am on leave for medical reasons.
Thanks
Regards,

Kyle Doyle
Resolutions Expert - Technical

From: Niresh Regmi
Sent: Wednesday, 27 August 2008 9:39 a.m.
To: Kyle Doyle
Subject: RE: Absence on Thursday 21st 2008
Hi Kyle,
Usually that is the case, as per your contract. However please note that leave during these occasions is only granted for genuine medical reasons. You line manager has determined that your leave was not due to medical reasons and as such we cannot grant leave on this occasion.
NIRESH REGMI
Real Time Manager, Workforce Operations
Ground Floor, 30 Ross Street, Glebe, NSW, 2037

From: Kyle Doyle
Sent: Wednesday, 27 August 2008 9:43 a.m.
To: Niresh Regmi
Subject: RE: Absence on Thursday 21st 2008
Hi Niresh,
My leave was due to medical reasons, so you cannot deny leave based on a line manager’s discretion, with no proof, please process leave as requested.
Thanks
Regards,

Kyle Doyle
Resolutions Expert - Technical

From: Niresh Regmi
Sent: Wednesday, 27 August 2008 9:50 a.m.
To: Kyle Doyle
Subject: RE: Absence on Thursday 21st 2008
Hi Kyle,
I believe the proof that you are after is below

NIRESH REGMI
Real Time Manager, Workforce Operations
Ground Floor, 30 Ross Street, Glebe, NSW, 2037

 

[HARVZ-6]

What do you call a sheep tied to a post in new zealand?

a leisure centre...

How did the new zealander find his sheep in the long grass?
very satisfying!


What do you call a coon at the bottom of a pool?

one that had his floatys slashed

whats green and brown on the bottom of a pool?

the same coon a week later lol

 

[Jecs]

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:


'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.


Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.


After months of careful research, separate MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Wind down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Wind window up.
7. Drive off.


*******************************


FEMALE PROCEDURE:
What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth.!!!!


1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of cheque book.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 1 metre.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the pocket provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and drive off.
25. Redial person on mobile phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 kilometres.
27. Release Parking Brake.

 

[stocky]

bahahahaha awesome

 

[Philthy]

When I was 5 or so my mom would tell me to lie down before she tied my tie and I just now realized at the age of 20 that she did this because she's a funeral director.

 

[seano13]

haha these are gold

 

[Jecs]

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?'
The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous.'

The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jelly and ice cream. It's a breeze.

'The second kid then asks, 'What are you here for?'
The first kid says, 'A circumcision.'
'Whoa!' the second kid replies. 'Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year.'

 

[nick3110]

oh these are bloody awesome.. Jecs' ones are the best