Joke of the Day

[Mavericks Choice]

A woman brought a very limp duck in to Dr.Santa, a veterinary surgeon.
As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the duck’s chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head
sadly and said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”
The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”
“Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead,”
replied Dr.Santa.
“How can you be so sure?” she protested.
“I mean you haven’t done any testing
on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left
the room.
He returned a few minutes later with a Labrador.
As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement,
the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it
out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat.
The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said,
“I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely,
100% certifiably, a dead duck.”
Dr.Santa turned to his computer terminal, hit a
few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the
bill. “$150!” she cried, “$150 just to tell
me my duck is dead!”
The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $10, but with the Lab Report and the
Cat Scan, it’s now $150

 

[Mavericks Choice]

So I am at grocery store scanning and bagging my almost $300 worth of groceries while the employee that wants $15 an hour "monitors" and then this happened.
Her - why are you double bagging all of your groceries?
Me - excuse me?
Her - you are wasting our bags!
Me - if you don't like the way I'm bagging the groceries, feel free to come on over here and bag them yourself.
Her - that's not my job!
Me - okay, then I will bag my groceries how I please if that's all right with you.
Her - why are you using two bags?!
Me - because the bags are weak and I don't want the handles to break or the bottoms to rip out.
Her - well that's because you are putting too much stuff in the bag. If you took half of that stuff out and put it in a different bag then you wouldn't need to double bag.
*10 seconds of me just staring at her.
Me - so you want me to split these items in half and put half of them in a different bag so that I don't have to double bag.
Her - exactly.
Me - so I would still be using two bags to hold the same number of items.
Her - no because you wouldn't be double bagging.
*me pressing two fingers to my left eye in an attempt to make it stop twitching.
Me - okay so here I have a jug of milk and a bottle of juice double bagged. If I take the milk out and remove the double bagging and just put the milk in the single bag and the juice in that single bag I'm still using two bags for these two items.
Her- no because you are not double bagging them so it's not the same number of bags.
*me looking around at about 10 other customers who at this point are enjoying the show.
Me- is this like that Common Core math stuff I keep hearing about?
Her- never mind you just don't get it.
And with that, she went back to her little Podium so she could continue texting or playing games on her phone or whatever it was she was doing before she decided to come over and critique my bagging skills.

 

[Mavericks Choice]

My grandchild’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.

 

[hademall]

Question:- If I had $10 in one pocket and $15 in the other, what would I have?
Answer:- Somebody else’s trousers on.

 

[Rocketeer]

Lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to her husband Johnny:
“I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
Johnny replies. "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues. "Yeah, I've been with one other guy."
“Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
“Tiger Woods."
“Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
“Yeah."
“Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
Then Johnny and his wife then make passionate love.
When they get done, Johnny gets up and walks to the telephone.
“What are you doing?" Says the wife.
Johnny says. "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
Johnny puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
"What are you doing?" She says.
Johnny says. "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."
Johnny slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat.
He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks. "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole."

 

[Mavericks Choice]

3 sisters age 92,94 and 96 live in a house together. one night the 96 yr old draws a bath. she puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94yr old yells back " I don't know I'll come up and see. She starts up the stairs and pauses Was I going up the stairs or down? The 92yr old sitting in the kitchen listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says" I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells " I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.

 

[Rocketeer]

Many years the women’s institute decided to get a photograph in a group photo.

They all gathered together and the photographer got in position and put the cloth over his head.

Linda said to Margaret whats he doing?

Margaret said, "He’s going to focus."

Linda said, "What all of us!!!"

 

[Rocketeer]

The Durex factory that supplied condoms all across America was burnt down.

The Secretary of State immediately rang Biden and said "sir we have a dilemma the Durex factory was destroyed by fire and it supplies all our condoms!"

The President said, "the economy couldn’t afford the baby boom we will have to import them!"

The secretary suggested we get them from Mexico or Canada.
The president said "no they’ll have a field day with the press, tell you what, my ally in Australia will supply them and keep it a secret."
Tell him we want 10 million 10 inches long and 2inches wide to keep our image as the biggest and and greatest nation!

The first boxes of condoms arrive and the President was to open it in front of the senate.

He opens one of the boxes and pulls one out and it’s 10 inches long and 2 inches wide he holds it up to show the senate and then he notices some small print.

It said, Made in Australia, size small !!!

 

[Mavericks Choice]

I've had my census form sent back to me. In answer to the question, "Do you have any dependants?", I put "Asylum seekers, gypos, smack heads, unemployable bastards, all the people who go on Jeremy Kyle and half of Eastern Europe.
Apparently this wasn’t an acceptable answer.

 

[Mavericks Choice]

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are all spies and are caught behind enemy lines.

They are tried and sentenced to death by firing squad.

The Scotsman and the Irishman look out from the window of their cell as the Englishman is led out and tied to the pole.

As the firing squad is about to shoot, the Englishman yells out:

"Tornado! Tornado!"

The firing squad panic and run off to wait the tornado out. Meanwhile the Englishman manages to escape.

Later, the Irishman looks out from the window of the cell as the Scotsman is led out and tied to the pole. Seeing what the Englishman did, the Scotsman devises his own plan.

As the firing squad is about to shoot, the Scotsman yells out:

"Earthquake! Earthquake!"

And again all of the firing squad scatter to wait it out. Meanwhile the Scotsman escapes.

Finally, the Irishman is led out and tied to the pole. The Irishman, being the genius he is, devises his own plan.

As the firing squad is about to shoot, he yells out:

"Fire! Fire!"