wildss
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some of these were new to me so i thought id share
enjoy
When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't need a miracle in order to split the ocean. He just walks in and the water gets the **** out of the way.
Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."
Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the **** Chuck Norris is.
Chuck Norris can make a paraplegic run for his life.
Chuck Norris was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. He declined because, "Only a pussy would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelery."
The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
upon hearing that his good friend, Lance Armstrong, lost his testicles to cancer, Chuck Norris donated one of his to Lance. With just one of Chuck's nuts, Lance was able to win the Tour De France seven times. By the way, Chuck still has two testicles; either he was able to produce a new one simply by flexing, or he had three to begin with. No one knows for sure.
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
Chuck Norris cannot predict the future; the future just better ****ing do what Chuck Norris says.
Chuck Norris used to beat the **** out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once finished "The Song that Never Ends".
The most honorable way of dying is taking a bullet for Chuck Norris. This amuses Chuck Norris because he is bulletproof.
Chuck Norris keeps his ID on the bottom of his right foot. Nobody ever asks him for his ID.
Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the **** he wants.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's ****ing beef.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result.
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because Chuck Norris never ****s up.
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a ****ing Jeep.
The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
enjoy
When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't need a miracle in order to split the ocean. He just walks in and the water gets the **** out of the way.
Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."
Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the **** Chuck Norris is.
Chuck Norris can make a paraplegic run for his life.
Chuck Norris was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. He declined because, "Only a pussy would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelery."
The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
upon hearing that his good friend, Lance Armstrong, lost his testicles to cancer, Chuck Norris donated one of his to Lance. With just one of Chuck's nuts, Lance was able to win the Tour De France seven times. By the way, Chuck still has two testicles; either he was able to produce a new one simply by flexing, or he had three to begin with. No one knows for sure.
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
Chuck Norris cannot predict the future; the future just better ****ing do what Chuck Norris says.
Chuck Norris used to beat the **** out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once finished "The Song that Never Ends".
The most honorable way of dying is taking a bullet for Chuck Norris. This amuses Chuck Norris because he is bulletproof.
Chuck Norris keeps his ID on the bottom of his right foot. Nobody ever asks him for his ID.
Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the **** he wants.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's ****ing beef.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result.
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because Chuck Norris never ****s up.
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a ****ing Jeep.
The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
