Favourite Jokes

[S2_VR_]

A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes. When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off. When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0. The cop says, 'How is this possible?' The guy says,'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'

HAHAHA sick one!!

 

[stroked]

Dad at the food court:

I took my dad shopping the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided
to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager
sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different
colours: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him.

The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the
teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man,
never done anything wild In your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on
his response; knowing he would have a good one.

And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.

'Got drunk once and f **ked a peacock. I was just wondering if you were
my son.'

 

[stroked]

Easily the best joke in a while :-

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to
put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the
mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye
contact After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said,
'Let's go to my apartment,... I hear someone coming.'
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against
it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts;
they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and
solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the
best part of my body is my ears?'
Clearing his throat, he stammered . 'Outside, when you said you heard
someone coming.... that was me.'

 

[Deutscher]

Q:Why did the woman cross the road?

A I don't know, the real question is, why was she out of the kitchen?

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Q.What kind of bees make milk?

A:Boobies

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Why are women like parking spaces ?

Because all the best ones are taken....and the rest are handicapped.

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Why was the name "P.M.S." chosen ?

Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.........

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[PietroChocko]

One I tell to the kids before we give em the gas in theatre...

What's the difference between snowmen and snow-women?

Snowballs.

 

[v8_stato]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Deutscher
A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes. When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off. When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0. The cop says, 'How is this possible?' The guy says,'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'

thats ****in gold.

 

[crewsy]

A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes. When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off. When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0. The cop says, 'How is this possible?' The guy says,'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'

hahaha I actualled laughed out loud at this one

 

[hsvpunk]

A man goes to the Doctor.......'so what's the problem' asks the Doc....
'it's my arse' says the man......'it's making strange noises...listen!.....good old Collingwood forever, they know how to play the game.......'
'it's nothing to worry about' says the Doc.....'you'll find a lot of arseholes who sing that...'

 

[SquishyShoes]

Hahaha, ow. That's funny punk.

 

[redcedar]

How come when your wife`s pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy and say congratulations !

But none of them rub your C*#k and say well done !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!