Joke of the Day

[Skydrol]

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the
trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general
began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer
uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the
ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that
were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said- "Well yeah, if that's
what they are-I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer says-"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're
called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around
the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after
a minute he stops and says, "Hey... wait a minute, are you trying to
call me a horse's ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law
enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a
horse's ass."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing
the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

 

[Skydrol]

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Three prisoners are captured and are about to be executed. They are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.

The first man asks for a large pizza, which he is served before being taken away.

The second man requests a Filet Mignon, which he is served before also being taken away.

The third man requests a plate of strawberries.

The officers are surprised and reply: “Strawberries?”

“Yes, Strawberries,” he repeats.

The officers answer: “But they are out of season!”

The man shrugs and says: “I’ll wait…”

 

[Mavericks Choice]

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing “fairly well” for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, “Do you think I’ll live to be 80?”

He asked, “Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?”

“Oh no,” I replied. “I’ve never done either.”

Then he asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?”

I said “No, I’ve heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!”

“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, ballooning, or rock climbing ?”

“No, I don’t,” I said.

He said, “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?”

“No,” I said. “I’ve never done any of those things.”

He looked at me and said, “Then why do you care if you live to be 80?”

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. The family still used an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was so hot in the summer, freezing cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy was determined that one day he would push that old outhouse straight into the creek.

So, one day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen and the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. He found a large pole and started pushing.

Finally, after much effort, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. The boy knew that meant a spanking, so he asked why.

The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?"

The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth..."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father probably wasn't in the cherry tree."

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates.

The Lord spoke unto them saying, “I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie….Hell is waiting for you.

To the first man the Lord asked, “How many times did you cheat on your wife?” The first man replied, “Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife.” The Lord replied, “Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation.

To the second man the Lord asked, “How many times did you cheat on your wife?” The second man replied, “Lord, I cheated on my wife twice.” The Lord replied, “I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW.

To the third man the Lord asked, “So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?” The third man replied, “Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times.” The Lord replied, “I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation.

A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out. “Why are you crying?” the two men asked. “You got the mansion and limo!” The first man replied, “I’m crying because I saw my wife a little while ago, and she was riding a skateboard!”

 

[Mavericks Choice]

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, “Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?”

“I sure did,” responded the pessimist. “He can’t swim.”

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would
stay like that.

Johnny looked up and replied, Well, Ms. Smith, you cant say you weren’t warned.

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered
to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?”

“Because white is the color of happiness and today is the
happiest day of her life.” Her mother tried to explain, keeping
it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, “So, why
is the groom wearing black?”