Joke of the Day

[VS 5.0]

Glad my Qantas Christmas party invitation was lost in the post.

Qantas was meant to have its Christmas party on Friday night but the guests all received texts late Thursday saying the party had been cancelled and to await further details.

They learned Friday morning via a second text message that it was now being held on Saturday. When the guests arrived they had to queue for three hours to get in.

Footage later emerged from inside the cloak room of people having their handbags thrown across the storage area.

When the party concluded, several dozen guests learned that, regrettably, their bags had been lost. They were given a hotline to call and reassured they would probably be found before Christmas.

The catering for the party did not include a vegetarian option.

Declaring the evening a major success, party organiser Alan Joyce gave himself a pay rise.

 

[Rocketeer]

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.

But after several weeks, his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches.

Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even walking.
So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.

"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.


"Well," said the wife coldly, "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?

 

[Rocketeer]

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Doctor : "I'm afraid there are some problems with baby. There's some good news and some bad news." Mum : "What's the bad news?"
Doctor : "Well, I'm afraid he has a cleft palate, curvature of the spine, no obvious penis, a drooping eye, early signs of Elephantitis and is bow-legged."
Mum : " My God, what's the good news?"
Doctor "He has a full head of hair, beautiful Ginger hair."

 

[Rocketeer]

Importance of Sentence Structure​

Business had been terrible and was not picking up. I had to fire somebody and I narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because both were super workers.

Rather than flip a coin, I decided I would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

I approached her and said. "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to either lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off for now?" She replied. "I feel like ****. If you can wait, I'll do you at lunchtime."

I had to let Jack go.

 

[Rocketeer]

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, meanwhile the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ****!"

 

[Mavericks Choice]

We went to a restaurant last night, it was packed, not a table in sight, the wait would have been about 45 minutes. Well, after giving it some thought, I took out my cell phone , then shouted down it, "Yes, he's here with someone else". Seven couples got up and left and we had a delicious meal

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A radio show had a phone-in asking the question ‘Who wears the trousers in your household?’
A man rang in and said: “25 years ago, on our wedding day, my wife said to me that she would make all the small decisions and I would make all the big decisions”.
The presenter asked him how well it had worked. The caller said “To be honest, I don’t know. Apparently in 25 years there haven’t been any decisions big enough for me to make yet”.

 

[Mavericks Choice]

This Friday and Saturday. We will start early. I will be holding a FREE snow shoveling class in my driveway. Come join the class and learn the proper ways to shovel. Reviewed techniques will include the scoop and throw method (AKA the plow technique), as well as the upside down scraping technique.
Don’t miss out on this amazing opportunity to enhance your snow lifting techniques without throwing your back out!
I will provide the driveway to ensure your training is conducted in the most life like situation, I only ask that you bring your own shovel (ergonomic designs suggested). Seating is limited and handled on a first come first served basis…subject to date change depending on total accumulation.