Joke of the Day

[Mavericks Choice]

Pastor Zest was completing a rather lively temperance sermon.
With red face and with great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world,
I'd take the whole lot and pour it into the river."
Trembling and with even greater emphasis he said,
"And if I had All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river also."
And then, finally, increasing his voice whilst shaking his fist in the air, he Said,
"And if I had all the whisky in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
Sermon complete, perspiring but pleased with himself, he sat down while wiping
his sweating forehead with his large white handkerchief.
The song leader slowly stood up very cautiously and announced with a smile,
very nearly laughing he said, For our closing song, ...
Let us all sing Hymn #365. "Shall We Gather at the River."

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A pair of Australian social media influencers have been branded “disgusting” after they filmed F1 driver George Russell at a urinal at the Australian Grand Prix and uploaded the video to TikTok and Instagram.............................Russell retired on the penultimate lap of the Grand Prix.
He was probably bursting for a piss.

 

[vc commodore]

First Person....How's the diet going?

Second person...Not good...I had eggs for breakfast.

First person...Scrambled?

Second person...No, chocolate

 

[vc commodore]

You know your getting old when your ears are hairier than your head

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Johnny is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk shouts, "Yes, I am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus!"
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, brother?" The drunk answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus!"
By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again - but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
Johnny staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher,
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A dizzy blonde is soaking in the bath, her feet gently stroking the hot and cold taps.
Suddenly, she realises she's got her big toe stuck in the end of one of the taps and calls for her husband's assistance
"You silly girl," he says. "I'll have to call the plumber. Here, cover your fanny with this." And he hands her an old jockey's cap from the hatbox.
An hour later, the plumber arrives, looks the blonde up and down, weighing up the situation and says; "Well I can get your toe out, but there's fcuk all I can do for Willie Carson.

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A young girl was going on a date. Her grandmother said: "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try and kiss you, you are going to like that, but don't let Him do that. He is going to try and feel your breast, you are going to like that but don't let him do that. But most important, he is going to try and get on top of you to have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."
With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date. The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted: Grandma, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family..."

 

[vc commodore]

Middle age is that time of life when the most fun you have is talking about the most fun you used to have

 

[vc commodore]

The employee told his boss that 3 companies were after him and he needed a raise

The boss asked "which companies"

The employee replied Gas, water and electricity

 

[Mavericks Choice]

I saw a woman about to park outside my house and I said, " You can`t park there, love".
She said, "Sorry, I'll move it over there".
I said, "You can't park there either"
She said, "Why the fook not?"
I said, "Because you're a woman".