Joke of the Day

[Mavericks Choice]

In the early 1970's I was a young man and would frequent a particular barber shop. It was run by a female. Each time I went there she would cover me with a white sheet and adjust the height of the chair so that my hands (while resting on the arms of the chair) were the height of her crotch. I assume it she did it for the tips. My wife never did understand why I had a hair cut ever week.

 

[Mavericks Choice]

My youngest son, Mick, asked me, "Dad, when was the first time you fell in love?"
I replied, "When I was 18, I walked in to a pub and spotted the most beautiful, gorgeous blonde that I had ever seen, and Cupid shot his arrow the moment I saw her!"
"So what happened then?" asked Mick.
I said, "Nothing much- the arrow missed and hit your Mother....!"

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Today, I was offered "a good time" by a smoking hot, 21 year old brunette.
In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner.
Of course, I said "no" as I have high moral standards and very strong willpower.
Just as strong as Ajax, the super efficient bathroom cleaner.
Now available in scented lemon or vanilla.

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Three guys – one Irish, one English, and one Scottish – are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.
“I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total,” says the genie.
The Scottish guy says, “I am a fisherman, my dad's a fisherman, his dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity.” So, with a blink of the genie's eye, the oceans were teeming with fish.
The Englishman was amazed, so he said, “I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity.” Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, there was a huge wall around England.
The Irishman asks, “I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.” The genie explains, “Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out.”
The Irishman says, “Fill it up with water.”

 

[Mavericks Choice]

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”
“Just water,” says the priest.
The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”
The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He's done it again!”

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes: Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'
'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach..
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing.
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A woman was enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends.
"Oh, no!" she suddenly exclaimed. "Look at the time! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband. He'll be so annoyed if it's not ready on time."
When she got home, she discovered all she had in the fridge was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg and a can of cat food.
With no time to go to the supermarket, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg and garnished it with the lettuce leaf.
She greeted her husband warmly when he came home, and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner.
To her surprise, he seemed to be enjoying it.
"Darling, this is the best dinner you've made me in 40 years of marriage! You can make this for me any day."
Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish.
She told her golf partners about it and they were all horrified. "You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.
Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around the clubhouse, and one of them said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?"
The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him, he fell off the window ledge while he was licking his arse”

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Two men were sitting at a bar recounting their dreams.

“I dreamed I was on vacation,” one man said fondly. “It was just me and my fishing rod, and this big beautiful lake. What a dream.”

“I had a great dream too,” said the other. “I dreamed I was in bed with two beautiful women and having the time of my life.”

His companion looked over and exhorted, “You dreamed you had two women, and you didn’t call me?”

“Oh, I did,” said the other:

“But when I called, you’d gone fishing.”

 

[Mavericks Choice]

My wife said she's leaving me because of my unhealthy obsession with plants. I said "Where's this stemming from petal"?

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Two men went mountaineering, they were nearing the top of a jagged cliff, when Rob falls, Mike called after him.
He hears Rob’s voice coming from below, Mike says, “I’ll lower a rope, tie it around your legs and I’ll pull you out.”
Rob shouts back, “I’ve broken both legs.”
Mike says, “ tie the rope under your arms.”
Rob says, “I’ve broken both arms as well.”
Mike says, “ I’ll lower a rope, you hold it between your teeth, and I’ll pull you up. Ok.”
Rob says, “ ok.”
Mike lowers the rope and Rob bites hard onto it, and Mike starts to pull him up the side of the cliff, he pulled Rob up to within 10 feet of the top, then says to him, “are you OK”
Rob says, “YYYYYYYYEEEEEEEESSSSSSS”