Joke of the Day

[vc commodore]

A married man's prayer:

Dear God,

You gave me childhood, you took it away.

You gave me youth, you took it away.

You gave me a wife ... It’s been years now, just reminding you.

 

[vc commodore]

Boy lost his job in the chip shop.
His dad goes to find out why.
Owner says "I found him with the potato peeler up his arse..."
His dad says "may I see the potato peeler..?"
The owner replied "No I sacked him as well...!"

 

[vc commodore]

Guy and girl are on a date.
Guy says to the girl "Do you believe in having sex on the first date?....girl says "No".....
Guy says " How about on the last date?

 

[vc commodore]

My wife told me to go to the Doctors and get some of those pills that 'help' get an erection.

You should have seen here face when I came home and tossed her some diet pills.


... I'm still looking for a place to live.

 

[vc commodore]

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Three men - an American, a Japanese and an Irishman - were sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.
"That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang.
The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished, he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The Irishman felt decidedly low tech and, not wanting to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.
He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his arse.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.
The Irishman finally said, "Well, will you look at that. I'm getting a fax."

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Two guys driving through Texas get pulled over by a state trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the driver's window, the driver rolls it down, and the trooper smacks the driver in the head with his night stick.
"Ow!" says the driver. "Why'd you do that?"
The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."
The driver says, "I'm sorry, officer; I'm not from around here."
The trooper writes the guy a ticket and gives his license back, then walks around to the car's passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls the window down, and the trooper smacks him with his night stick.
"Ow!" says the passenger. "What'd you do that for?"
The trooper says, "Just making your wish come true."
"What the hell does that mean?" asks the guy.
"Two miles down the road, you would have said, "I wish that arsehole would've tried that **** with me!"..

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A fat lad went to the doctors. He said "Is there any easy exercises i could try to help me lose weight?" The doctor replies "Try this one, just simply try moving your head from side to side!" "How often do i do this?" Replied the fat lad. "Every time your offered food!" Repied the doctor.......

 

[Mavericks Choice]

One day a man went to an auction.
While there, he bid on an exotic parrot.
He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding.
He kept on bidding but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.
Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid.
The price was high but the fine bird was finally his!
As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer,
“I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can’t talk!”
“Don’t worry,” said the Auctioneer,
“He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?”

 

[PaulMcGTS]