Joke of the Day

[Jolls]

My Grandson came over to watch a Christmas movie with me last night as his father was not feeling well and his mother, a hairdresser, was working late. Just as we sat down to watch the movie Mr Four asked me,

" Poppy, where does poo come from?"

After a quick double-take, I thought it best to answer the question. I felt a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest and forthright explanation.

Mr Four, looked at me a little perplexed and sat in stunned silence for a few seconds comprehending my response. He then asked,

"..... and Tigger?"

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A man walks into confessional,and says to the priest, "Bless me, father, for have sinned...
I had sex with 7 different women last night"
The priest is silent for a moment,then says, "Go home, and cut 7 lemons in half, squeeze the juice into a glass, and drink it down in one gulp" . "And I'll be forgiven?" asks the man.
"No," replies the priest."But it will wipe that bloody smirk of your face!.

 

[Rocketeer]

 

[Jolls]

What do Santa's elves listen to whilst they work?




Wrap music.

 

[Mavericks Choice]

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.

 

[Mavericks Choice]

So this man left work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay cheque. When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

 

[lmoengnr]

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Wife...Desperately looking for a rental property for us.
Estate agent.. I've got just one left, two bedrooms with a bathroom 5 miles from the city centre..
Wife... I'll leave it, looking for one with a closer bathroom!!..

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Paddy sees an advert in a shop window.
HANDY MAN WANTED FOR BUILDING SITE.
He goes to apply for the job. The foreman says,
"Can you do a bit of plumbing?"
Paddy says, "No?"
The Foreman then asks, " Can you do some Carpentry?"
Paddy says, "No?"
The Foreman then asks, " Can you lay bricks?"
Paddy says, "No"
The foreman scratching his head looks Paddy in
the eyes and says, "What's so handy about you then
Paddy?"
Paddy smiles and says, "I only live around the corner."

 

[Jolls]

Once upon a time Santa was getting ready for his Christmas run... but he was having trouble getting his **** together.

Four of his elves were sick, so in a bind he hired a couple from down the pub. Good elves, but keen for a natter and did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones.

Already under pressure and starting to get further behind schedule Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mother was coming to visit.

Santa's mother in law was a real PITA. His bad day was getting worse. Trying to get ahead he thought ... I'll go and prep the reindeer.

When he went to harness them reindeer, he found that three of them had been out on the town and were hung over. Angrily he asked where the other two were - they picked up at the pub last night. Don't worry they said they'd be back in time!

Santa was so pissed off - he needed them at their peak performance to make the toy run and half of his team are recovering and the other two have been up all night being "romantic".

OK, he thinks - I'll load the sleigh then. He stepped onto the side board and slipped on some ice, dropping toys everywhere. He kicked a remote control car for young Johnny in frustration and it broke when it landed.

Frustrated, and even more pissed off, Santa went into the house for cold beer. He just wanted to sit and reflect!

He goes to the bar fridge and it's empty - reindeer had raided the fridge before they went into town.

Santa slammed the fridge door. One of the reindeer had left an empty stubbie on top of the fridge; it started to wobble, Santa tried to catch it but fumbled the catch and it smashed on the floor.

Swearing at himself, he trudged into the laundry to get the broom. He opens the cupboard door and he found that the mice had eaten the straw.

Just then the doorbell rang.

Santa swore, and marched to the door.

He opens the door and the Little Angel from Hey Hey It's Saturday is standing there with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"

This is how the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree began!