I'm someone that's had severe depression and anxiety for just over 8 years and know how low things can get and know the difficulties of living with it.
Firstly, if this is serious, don't bother with Beyond Blue or Life Line, go straight to the local hospital, let a nurse know what's going on and go from there, just be honest, tell them what's going on, what the go is, don't hold back, you probably won't want too but IF you GENUINELY are seeking help you'll need to be honest and not hold back for the right people to help.
Secondly, if this is just bullshit and a joke, you seriously have mental health issues that need to be addressed, I have a very dark sense of humour and see the funny side of things in a lot of things morbid or politically incorrect, but knowing how serious mental health is you just don't state what you have above lightly in seeking attention.
As mentioned above, people who are really wanting to end it, 9 times out of 10 don't talk about it, they do it... normally someone speaking about it is seeking help and wants help, genuinely wants help, but doesn't know where to get it or who to speak too.
As said, go to the local hospital, tell the nurse in Emergency what's going on and go from there.
Also, to me, suicide is selfish, sorry if this affends, but the way I see it, I'd rather be miserable and constantly down than put my family and friends through the pain of losing me, finding me and having to go through the pain of me killing myself, yes, I'd rather be a miserable c*** and constantly down than put my family and friends through the pain.