Joke of the Day

[hademall]

Why do men die before their wives?
Because they want to.

 

[Rocketeer]

I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.
I shouted - Where you off to Charlie?
He said, I'm off to change a light bulb.
Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then said,
- That's gonna be a bit awkward init?
- Not really. he said. I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard.

 

[Rocketeer]

Whilst in America, my son and I went shopping in Wal-mart. I asked the cashier if they had any childrens Spider Man toys..?

"Oh no, sir, we don't sell them in the States - they are a health hazard!"

"Okay," I replied. "I'll just take these two assault rifles then."

 

[Rocketeer]

Slips of the tongue

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator –
'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator –
'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of
him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator –
'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria .. I saw her snatch this
morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 –
'Ah, isn't that nice.. The wife of the Cambridge President is
kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew..'

5. US PGA Commentator –
'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is
that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and
kisses them ........ Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time
Team Live' said:
'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to
have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,
'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did
too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North
said:
'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold
night like this. '

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he
gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a
male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage
remarked:
'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's
only come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie
Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
'SOME WEEKS NICK LIKES TO USE FANNY, OTHER WEEKS.... HE PREFERS
TO DO IT BY HIMSELF.'

 

[Mavericks Choice]

An old man is met by his attorney, and is told he is going to be audited. He rides to the IRS office with his attorney, and when he gets there, he begins to talk with the IRS agent.
"I bet $2,000 I can bite my own eye!" The IRS agent agrees to the bet, believing it an impossible task. The old man laughs, pulls out his glass eye, and bites it. The IRS agent is dumbfounded.
The old man bets $3,000 he can bite his other eye. The IRS agent knows there's no way possible to do this, so he once more agrees. The old man cackles, pulls out his dentures, and bites his eye.
Then the old man finally wagers, "I bet $20,000 I can stand on the far side of your desk, pee over the desk, and get it into your wastebasket, without missing a single drop." The agent knows he won't be able to, so once more he agrees.
The old man indeed misses, peeing all over the desk, and on the paperwork. The IRS agent jumps for joy, but then notices the attorney over in the corner moaning.
"Are you all right?" asks the agent. "No! On the way over here, he bet me $400,000 he could pee on your desk and you'd be happy about it!"

 

[Mavericks Choice]

For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot.
He had never missed a day and was never late.
Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation.
All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.
Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him,
"I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway"
"I Nearly killed myself...."
And the boss said,
"And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

 

[Dayvo]

Two Men were out hunting in the outback and came upon a huge hole in the ground. They approached it and were amazed at its size and depth.

The first said, "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second said, “There's an old gear box over there. Let’s throw it in and see how long it takes to hit bottom.”

Despite it being very heavy, they picked up the gear box, carried it over to the hole, counted one-two-three, and heaved it in.

As they were standing there looking over the edge of the hole, a goat come crashing through the bushes, ran up to the hole and without hesitation, jumped in head first...

They were so mystified by this that they stood staring at each other in amazement and peered into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about...

Just then an old farmer appeared. "Say, you fellers didn't happen to see my goat?"

The first hunter said, "Funny you should ask. We were just standing here a minute ago, and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a hundred miles an hour and jumped head first into this here hole!"

The old farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible! I had him chained to an old gear box."

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A junior high school in South Louisiana was recently faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick, and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, old Mr. Boudreaux, the maintenance man, would remove the lipstick . . . and then the next day the girls would mess up the mirrors again.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there along with Mr. Boudreaux. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the maintenance man who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean up the mirrors, she asked Mr. Boudreaux to show the girls how much effort was required to clean up the lipstick. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and then cleaned the mirrors with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

 

[losh1971]

Took my dog to the vet today, because I suspected he had some mental problems. Vet said, nah he's just barking mad.