Joke of the Day

[Mavericks Choice]

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.'
The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.'
The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Job Vacancy

Because there are only 7 weeks until it’s Christmas I’m looking for a good shoplifter. Must be reliable and be able to follow instructions also have at least 2 years experience. Needs to start straight away. Cash on delivery. No time wasters please!!..

 

[Dayvo]

THE MALE CYCLE

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big
tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no
passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time
and threatened suicide.

So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became
so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with
her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.
She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.
She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.

So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she
divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now and I am looking for a girl with big tits.

 

[ephect]

What's the toughest thing about being a vegan?

Keeping it to yourself.

 

[Mavericks Choice]

I'm taking up scuba diving on the cheap. Instead of using a cylinder I'll be using a bag of Walker's crisps there's enough air in each bag to stay submerged for up to 2 hours!!..

 

[hademall]

“Hey Mum,” He said as he rushed in from school. “I’ve got the biggest dick in grade five.”
“Well so you should, you’ll be 21 next August!”

 

[Mavericks Choice]

My grandson bet me he could make a piece of paper fly farther than I could, so he spent the next 10 minutes making the fanciest airplane I've ever seen. You should have seen the look on his face when I crumpled my piece of paper into a ball and launched it across the room!......Sucks to be a loser!

 

[StrayKiwi]

There was a British Airways 747 flight from Boston to Belfast with an Irish couple on board. About 2 hours into the flight the the PA comes to life. "Ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking. We have lost power to one of our four engines. Needless to say we are able to operate just fine on 3 engines, but our arrival time in Belfast has been delayed an hour." There were a few groans amongst the passengers but they just accepted it. About ten minutes later the captain comes back on. "I'm sorry ladies and gentlemen, we have just lost power to another engine. Our arrival has been pushed back yet another hour." There were a few nervous murmurs around the passengers but things eventually settled down. Five minutes later the captain came back on. "I'm sorry ladies and gentlemen we have had a failure of our third engine. We are perfectly capable of flying on one engine, but our arrival in Belfast has been delayed by another two hours." Paddy turns to his wife and says, "If we lose that last engine we'll be up here all night!"

 

[hademall]

There was a British Airways 747 flight from Boston to Belfast with an Irish couple on board. About 2 hours into the flight the the PA comes to life. "Ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking. We have lost power to one of our four engines. Needless to say we are able to operate just fine on 3 engines, but our arrival time in Belfast has been delayed an hour." There were a few groans amongst the passengers but they just accepted it. About ten minutes later the captain comes back on. "I'm sorry ladies and gentlemen, we have just lost power to another engine. Our arrival has been pushed back yet another hour." There were a few nervous murmurs around the passengers but things eventually settled down. Five minutes later the captain came back on. "I'm sorry ladies and gentlemen we have had a failure of our third engine. We are perfectly capable of flying on one engine, but our arrival in Belfast has been delayed by another two hours." Paddy turns to his wife and says, "If we lose that last engine we'll be up here all night!"

I love this joke. In my days as an actor, we actually did this joke on stage in one of many revue shows I performed in.

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A Chinese man came to India. He took a taxi at the airport.
On his way, by seeing a bus, he told the taxi driver, that in India buses run very slow. In China buses run very fast.
After sometime, he came near a railway bridge and saw a train passing over the bridge. Then the Chinese man told the driver, that the trains also run very slow here. In China trains run very fast.
Throughout the journey he complained to the driver disparaging India.However, the taxi driver kept mum throughout the journey.
When the Chinese man reached his destination, he asked the driver what is the meter reading and taxi fare thereon.
The taxi driver replied it is Rs.10,000/-
The Chinese was shell shocked after hearing the taxi fare. He shouted "are you kidding? in your country buses run slow, trains run slow, everything is slow. How come the meter alone runs fast?"
To this the taxi bro replied calmly,
“Sir, .....THE METER IS MADE IN CHINA"