Joke of the Day

[Mavericks Choice]

I am so glad that my reflexes are still good and that I am still agile on my feet.
The other day my darling sweet wife made a large platter of fried chicken and a big bowl of mashed potatoes, gravy, green peas and a salad.
With plenty food remaining she said "I just love left overs, that means I don't have to cook tomorrow."
To which I replied, "So you can spend more time doing laundry, right?"
Duck and run.

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Four guys were at hunting camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. The other two said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was the second guy’s turn. In the morning, same thing happens again, his hair is standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
The other two said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all night."
The third night was Frank’s turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man’s man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning," he said. The other two couldn’t believe it!
He looked rested and wide awake. They asked, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed, patted his butt and kissed him on the cheek good night. Daryl sat up and watched me all night."

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Well i never got a winks sleep last night for the noise of this fella trying to sing in the street
first it was "Prince Charming " he was screaming ... i went out on the balcony and asked him to keep it down but five minutes later off he goes again..
this time with "stand and deliver "..
so i headed down to see him face to face ...i said
" mate its four in the morning ..people are trying to sleep "
He says " it wasnt me "
I knew it was but what could i do ?? ..
He was adamant

 

[Mavericks Choice]

My wife is throwing me out of the house because she says I treat the place like a hotel. I hope she doesn't look in my suitcase I've stolen three towels and a dressing gown

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A soldier was stationed abroad and received a ‘Dear John’ letter from his girlfriend back home. It read, “Dear Harry, I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated twice since you’ve been gone, and it’s not fair to either of us. I’m sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent you. Love, Kim."
The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins, etc. In addition to the picture of Kim, Harry included all the other pictures of pretty girls he had collected.
There were 43 photos in the envelope along with a note that read, “Dear Kim, I’m so sorry but I can’t remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me. Take care, Harry.”

 

[Mavericks Choice]

I dated Kate Bush once and treated her to a meal.
She ordered 2 bottles of wine, a caviar starter, lobster main, a knickerbocker glory and a chocolate cheesecake for pudding. She then ordered coffee and a brandy.
I thought blimey, she's running up that bill...

 

[Mavericks Choice]

The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject.
After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands.
Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of about 80 percent.
Still unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.
"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any."
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety three."
"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to be ninety-three, and not have an enemy in the world."
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, very slowly turned around and said: "It's easy, I just outlived the bitches."

 

[Mavericks Choice]

I have to admire my wife's stamina in the bedroom. She's sweating, panting and gasping for breath, but she doesn't want to stop,
16 hours now she's been putting that Ikea wardrobe together!!..

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us yer breasts, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"
Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Kathy had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while she was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned. She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat. About that time, I got home and realized her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts. Kathy wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room. The A&E Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.) Kathy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before." The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them. I just never saw one mounted and framed."