Joke of the Day

[Erasadent]

Police: You are under arrest!
Me: Why?
Police: Because you transport 6 people at once on a single motorcycle.
Me: Did you say six?
Police: that is correct, six!
Me: Damn it, we have lost Jack!

 

[Derekthetree]

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Well to be perfectly honest, in my humble opinion, of course without offending anyone who thinks differently from my point of view, but also by looking into this matter in a different perspective and without being condemning of one's view's and by trying to make it objective, and by considering each and every one's valid opinion, I honestly believe that I completely forgot what I was going to fucing say!!

 

[Mavericks Choice]

I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license...
just because of a stupid police officer...
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?"

Me: "A car."

Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?"

Me:"I have no idea!"

Officer:"So, you're drunk."

Me:"But I didn't drink anything."

Officer:"Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you.What is it?

Me:"A motorcycle."

Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?"

Me:"I have no idea!"

Officer:"As I suspected, you're drunk!"

Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question.

Me:"So..., counter question -- You're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?"

Officer:"A prostitute of course."

Me:"Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?"

Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend...

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Trump's Parade
An assistant to Donald Trump told him she had a fantastic dream last night. There was a huge parade down Pennsylvania Avenue celebrating Trump.Millions lined the parade route, cheering when the President went past. Bands were playing; children were throwing confetti into the air; there were balloons everywhere.It was absolutely the BIGGEST CELEBRATION WASHINGTON HAD EVER SEEN!!! Trump was very impressed and said,"That's really great! By the way, how did I look in your dream? Was my hair okay?"His assistant said,... "I couldn't tell, the casket was closed."

 

[UTE042_NZ]

WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine!: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in Fine!

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission... Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - which is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' -- that will bring on a 'whatever'.)

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I've got it: Another dangerous statement , meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response, refer to #3

 

[Mavericks Choice]

My friends think I’m an oddball. Well that’s what I heard them say over my headphones, as I sat in an unmarked van outside the pub!!

 

[Mavericks Choice]

I hate when people see me at the supermarket & are like ''Hey what you doing here.'' I'm like ''Oh you know, hunting wild fucing Elephants!!

 

[Mavericks Choice]

My wife thinks that USB is a back up plan just in case USA fails.

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Little Johnny asks his father for a £200 bicycle for his birthday.

Johnny’s father says,

“We have an £80,000 mortgage on the house, and I just got laid off! There won’t be a £200 bike this year.”

Two days later, Little Johnny walks out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase.

His father asks him why he’s leaving.

Johnny says,

“Early this morning, I was walking past your room, and I heard you tell Mommy that you were pulling out, and Mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and I’ll be damned if I’m getting stuck with an £80,000 mortgage!”