Joke of the Day

[Rocketeer]

 

[Skydrol]

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Pat and Mick were playing bingo. Pat kept looking over Micks shoulder saying "You've got that number mark if off, you've got that number mark it off" After putting up with this for some time Mick got annoyed and said "Why don't you do your own sheet"? - Pat replied "I can't its full"!!!!!!!!...lol

 

[hademall]

The teacher said to Mary, “Mary, come out to the front and point out Tasmania on the map.”
Mary did so.
“And now William, tell me who discovered Tasmania?”
“Mary did,” he said.

 

[Mavericks Choice]

As I stepped out of the shower, I heard someone in my kitchen downstairs. Knowing that my wife was out, I grabbed my 1903 heirloom rifle-- which no longer works-- and crept downstairs, forgetting the fact that I was in my birthday suit.
I came around the corner with the gun raised, only to find my wife loading the dishwasher.
"What are you doing" she asked.
"I thought I heard an intruder. I came down to scare him."
Scanning the contours of my doughy, naked body, she mumbled, "You didn't need the gun!"

 

[Mavericks Choice]

What do nail polish and panties have in common? Both of them come off with Alcohol.

 

[Mavericks Choice]

My 8 year old grandson just came running down the stairs shouting at the top of his voice,"Grandaaaaad, Grandaaaad, don't get me a bike for Christmas." I said, "Why ?"
He said, "I just found one behind the wardrobe."

 

[Rocketeer]

On a golf course in Ireland an American tourist went to play a game. He hired a buggy and a caddy, but had no one to play with and asked the caddy to play with him.
So they had a game and the caddy won.
American chap asks if the caddy would accept payment to play again tomorrow and the caddy agreed.
"What time do you want to meet?" asked the yank.
"10 am, but I might be half an hour late" says Paddy (the caddy).

Next morning the American is there at 10, and Paddy is waiting for him.
Paddy has a set of right-handed clubs, and goes on to beat the American.
American asks again if Paddy would play him the next day, and he'd pay him $200 if he wins, and Paddy agreed.
"10 am, but I might be half an hour late".
Next day, Paddy is there at 10 sharp when the American arrives.
This time Paddy has a set of left-handed clubs, and goes on to win the game again.

American chap is overawed and says he's never seen anyone play with one hand one day and the other hand the next day and asks Paddy how he achieves this feat.

"well, it's my wife, you see. In the morning I wake up and if she's lying on her right side, I play right handed, and if she's lying on her left side I play left handed".

"But what if she's lying on her back?" asks the tourist.

"Well then, I'll be half an hour late."

 

[Rocketeer]

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

“Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
After a few moments, a young man at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

“I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag?”

 

[Rocketeer]

Adoption requirement

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency. Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

The couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers raise concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care.

"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills."

Then the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.

"Our nanny is a certified expert in paediatric care, welfare, and diet."
The social workers are finally satisfied.

They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"

"It doesn't really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon."