Joke of the Day

[Mavericks Choice]

I won a holiday to Ceasers Palace Las Vegas, all I can eat and drink, plus five thousand pounds for the tables, waited on hand and foot by stunning women then I hear Adele has cancelled her shows. I mean, come on now, just how lucky can a guy get?

 

[vc commodore]

A GRIZZLED old truckie was driving along when he saw a chick about to jump off a bridge, so he pulled over.
“What are you doing, love?” he asked.
“I’m going to commit suicide!” she cried.
Never one to miss an opportunity, the truckie walked over to the girl and said,
“Well, seeing as you’re gunna be dead soon anyway, why don’t you give me a blowie?”
The girl agreed and gave the truckie the best head of his life – his eyes were rolling round and he almost fainted when he blew his load down the chick’s throat.
“Wow!” exclaimed the trucker. “That’s gunna be a wasted talent! Now, why are you trying to commit suicide?”
“My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl,” the “chick” replied.


I went to see a psychic last weekend and she told me that I'd be coming into money.
Last night I shagged a girl called Penny! Spooky or what!?

 

[vc commodore]

New Panties

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to
spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short
skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments
she uncrosses her legs ... enough times that her husband finally asks,
"Are you wearing crotchless panties?"

"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat."

He never heard the gunshot.]


a couple had been married for 10 years & had 3 children. the sex was good but the husband always turned the lights off. 1 day while having sex the wife jumps out of bed puts the light on & discovers her husband with a 10 inch dildo strapped onto his waist. angry she says, how the hell do you explain this. the guy calmly laid back and says, l'll explain the dildo but how the HehHehHehHeh do you explain the 3 kids

 

[vc commodore]

Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...?
You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'


I bought the wife a Memory Stick, it's great!
She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex once since the first beating.


So there I was nice and relaxed lying back on the sofa,watchin the big t.v, having a lovely wank.
And those miserable arseholes from harvey norman called the police..


Jims having a passsionate root with his misses when,suddeenly he stops mid thrust and just lies there really still.

"What the hell are you doing?" asks his frustrated wife.

"Something I learned from Online Porn," he says.

Its called "Buffering"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Man said to wife "Alright you sexy thing, bedroom now."


She looked at him and said, "Ooh, you kinky bastard."


He said, "No, seriously, the footy's about to start, fark off!

 

[vc commodore]

I went up to this girl, and tried to charm her by saying, "Hi, I was going to tell you a joke about my penis, but it's too long."

She said, "Oh what a coincidence, I was going to tell you a joke about my pussy, but you'll never get it."


A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to do the wild thing.
When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him,
"What happened to the other five condoms?"
His nervous reply was, "Err... I masturbated with them."
Later, she then approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him,
"Have you ever done that?" "Yeah, once or twice," he told her.
"You mean you've actually masturbated with a condom before?" she asked.
"Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I'd ever lied to my girlfriend

 

[vc commodore]

ONLY A MOTHER WOULD KNOW...

~A Cup of Tea ~

One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favourite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home.

My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Mum waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said (as only a mother would know), "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet?"

 

[vc commodore]

A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up my date at her parents' home.
I'd scraped together enough money to take her to a very nice restaurant.
She ordered the most expensive items on the menu.

Shrimp cocktail. Lobster. Champagne.

I asked her,
"Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?"

"No," she replied. "but my mother's not expecting a blow job tonight."

I said "enjoy your meal"...

 

[vc commodore]

A New Zealander was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.


Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Kiwi. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until The man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, But there was no more cuddling.


A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get "those feelings" again.

He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear :

"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

 

[hademall]

The first public Indian lottery. Everyone had bought a ticket.
They excitedly gathered in the town square as the Lord Mayor proceeded to draw the raffle tickets.
Lord Mayor :- “for the third prize it is ticket number 692”
Hushma Kundy cried out “that is me, I am having the ticket 692!”
Lord Mayor:- “vell done, you are vinning ten thousand rupees and two veeks in London”
Lord Mayor:- “for the second prize it is ticket number 891”
Ramjam Full cried out, “that is me, I am having the ticket 891!”
Lord Mayor :- “vell done, you are vinning a beautiful fruit cake”
Ramjam:- “but that is not fair, Hushma Kundy is vinning ten thousand rupees and two veeks in London for the third prize, and I am only vinning a fruit cake for second prize!”
Lord Mayor:- “ I know but the fruit cake is made by Mrs Gandhi”
Ramjam:- “fukc Mrs Gandhi!”
Lord Mayor:- “no, no that’s the first prize!”

 

[Skydrol]

Clever: This Remodeling Contractor Is Also A Divorce Lawyer

CHALFONT, PA—Ben Culver is a handyman with a unique business model: in addition to being a home remodeling contractor, Culver is also a divorce lawyer. And with an estimated 84% of divorces being caused by home remodeling projects, business is booming. The idea for the unusual double-business...

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