Joke of the Day

[Mavericks Choice]

First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis.
Then they give me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis.
I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastroenteritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis.
I don' know how I pulled through it. It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had.

 

[Mavericks Choice]

It’s with great sadness we have to inform all our family and friends that in the early hours of the morning of 20th December, our much loved turkey, Gobbles, will pass away.
The cremation will be held at ours at around 2pm on the 25th December .
No flowers please but if you would like to make a contribution things like potatoes, carrots, green veg and alcohol will do.
RIP Gobbles.

 

[Mavericks Choice]

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.
"I would like it infrequently," she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - "Is that one word or two?"

 

[vc commodore]

Any fool can change the future, which may explain politicians

My car is God's way of telling you to slow down

 

[lmoengnr]

A guy was driving when he saw the flash of a camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though he knew that he wasn’t speeding.
Just to be sure, He went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as
He passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed.
So he tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while he rolled past at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, He got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
You know, you just can't fix stupid!

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Me and my mate were out for a stroll last night.
She has a Doberman and I, my Chihuahua .
As we walked down the street,
My mate with the Doberman said to me,
"Let's go over to that mall and go to the sports bar for a drink." I said,
"We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
My mate said, don't sweat it
"Just watch, and follow my lead."
As she approached the bar she put on a pair of dark glasses
and started to walk in.
But security at the door stopped her and said,
"Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
So my mate said,
"You don't understand.
This is my seeing-eye dog."
He said "yeah right", "A Doberman?"
My mate said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
He then surprised me and said, "OK, go on in."
I realised
that convincing him that my Chihuahua
was a seeing-eye dog might be a little more far fetched, but thought,” i'll still give it a go!"
So i put on my dark glasses
and started to walk in.
Once again the security said,
"Sorry, lady, no pets allowed." I too said, "You don't understand.
This is my seeing-eye dog"
He said,
"A Chihuahua? as if!"
I said
"A Chihuahua?
They gave me a f.........g Chihuahua ?!"

 

[Mavericks Choice]

My Good deed done, At the store checkout this last night, I was behind an old lady at the till. Her bill came to $38 but when she counted out all of her change she only had just under $30 I thought she was probably someone's Nan and I'd like to think someone would have helped my Nan out if she was still alive. She didn't want my help but I insisted, and in no time at all we had all of her shopping back on the shelves.

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," she replied.
"Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:
"I outlived the bitches."

 

[Mavericks Choice]

The Bathtub Test
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, “How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?”
“Well,” he said, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person and ask them to empty the bathtub.”
“Oh, I understand,” I said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”
“No” he said “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?”

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A woman was visiting the zoo when she passed two workmen that were crying. "Why are you guys crying?" she asked. One replied, "One of the elephants just died." "The big elephant must have been your favourite animal in the zoo?" she asked.
"No, Ma'am-- love has nothing to do with it. The boss told us we have to dig the grave."