Joke of the Day

[Mavericks Choice]

My friend ,Dave, said the landlord at his local pub announced there's going to be a hefty cash prize for this years best costume for Halloween.
"Last year my wife won it", he went on to tell me," and she only came to pick me up".

 

[Rocketeer]

Bath Night
A couple take in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath but if she wanted to she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.......
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday....

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her, so she said:
"Next Monday, don?t go to darts. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself.."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:
"Do you shave?"
"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she showed the girl that indeed, she was far from hairless.

When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked:
"Did you see it?"
"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it before."

"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!!

 

[Mavericks Choice]

During a simulated attack, the troops have to defend themselves against an imaginary enemy, as the sergeant calls it. Bawling out orders, he notices that one recruit shows little response. “You there,” the sergeant shouts, “the imaginary enemy is advancing, and your are caught in the crossfire. Action!” The recruit takes two steps to one side. “What are you doing, man?” Yells the sergeant, purple with fury.
“I’m taking shelter behind an imaginary tree, Sergeant,” answers the recruit calmly.

 

[keith reed]

The older I get the more I regret all the people I've lost over the years. Maybe being a trail guide wasn't such a good idea after all.

 

[Mavericks Choice]

An guy called Arnie was driving around Ireland, he began to have trouble with his car boiling over, so he stopped at a country cottage. As was walking up the pathway Arnie noticed that a donkey, which was lying on the ground, was not shod.
Anyway, Arnie knocked at door and an Irishwoman came out. He said, 'My car has boiled over could you let me have some water please? And by the way did you know that your donkey over there has no shoes on?
'I know that', replied the woman replied, 'To be sure he's not up yet.'

 

[Mavericks Choice]

One dark night, two men are walking home after a party and decide to take a shortcut through the cemetery.
Right in the middle of the cemetery they are startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they find an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. “Holy cow, dude,” one says after catching his breath. “You scared us half to death. We thought you were a ghost! What are you doing, working here so late at night?”
“Those fools!” the old man grumbles. “They misspelled my name!”

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Johnny's teacher is giving a lesson on Nutrition, and she
decides to ask her students what they had for Breakfast.
To add a Spelling Component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.
Susan puts up her hand and says she had an Egg, 'E-G-G'
'Very good', says the teacher.
Peter says he had Toast, 'T-O-A-S-T?
'Excellent.'
Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him:
'I had Sod All', he says, ' S-O-D A-L-L'.
The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer
Later when the lesson turns to Geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.
Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada's East Coast.
When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the Nutrition Lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question:
Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Mexican Border?'
Johnny ponders the question and finally says, "The Mexican border is in bed with my mother.
That's why I got Sod All for Breakfast."

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A man asks a farmer near the field, "Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:30 PM train." The farmer says, "Sure, go right ahead.....
And if my bull sees you, you'll even catch the 4 PM one."

 

[Dayvo]

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A lady failed the driving test 4 times. At the fifth attempt, she was determined to pass.
But the test had the same question : "You are driving at 100 km. On your right is a wall, on your left is a cliff. On the road, you see an old man and a young man. What will you hit ?”
The woman walked up to the examiner and said, "I've answered this question in all four ways, wall, cliff, young man, old man. Yet, I failed all four times. How is this possible? What am I supposed to hit ?”
Examiner: "The brakes!!!"A lady failed the driving test 4 times. At the fifth attempt, she was determined to pass.
But the test had the same question : "You are driving at 100 km. On your right is a wall, on your left is a cliff. On the road, you see an old man and a young man. What will you hit ?”
The woman walked up to the examiner and said, "I've answered this question in all four ways, wall, cliff, young man, old man. Yet, I failed all four times. How is this possible? What am I supposed to hit ?”
Examiner: "The brakes!!!"