Joke of the Day

[Mavericks Choice]

My son's music teacher called me up and said looks like we have a new Elvis on our hands.
I said "wow is he that good?" She said "no we just found him dead in the toilet"

 

[Rocketeer]

“After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, ‘Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23-year-old girl every night.

Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 69-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.’

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.”

 

[MrBags]

How do Kiwi’s find their sheep in tall grass?

Irresistible.

 

[keith reed]

Australian love song. Tie me kangaroo down sport.

 

[Rocketeer]

How to beat the Police​

From the country where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside the local bar.

After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the street for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the blinkers on, then off, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as more vehicles left.

At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test.
To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it", said the truly proud Aussie, "Tonight I'm the Designated Decoy."

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A preacher goes to the dentist for a set of dentures. The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he could only talk in the pulpit for five minutes.
The second Sunday, his sermon lasted for ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talked for an hour and 30 minutes. The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.
The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than five minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put in his wife's teeth by mistake and he couldn't shut up.

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar. He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun.
He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck. When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck. His room is only a buck a day!
The day before he's to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room.
When he's checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees:
Golf: $1.00
Dinner: $1.00
Room: $1.00.
Sleeve of golf balls: $3,000.00
He asks the Manager, "What is this all about? Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?"
"I'm sorry, sir, said the manager, but you didn't read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That's what our golf balls cost."
"Well, said the man, If I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could've gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars a day for a room. At least I would've known what I was paying for!"
"That's right, sir, you could have, said the manager. Over there they get you by the room. Over here we get you by the balls!"

 

[Mavericks Choice]

"What happened ?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.
"Well, I went down to Alton towers and decided to take a ride on the Loch Ness Monster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it, but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said.
"By now, I was determined to read that sign, so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."
"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time ?" asked the visitor.
"Yes," he said sheepishly, "Remain seated at all times!"

 

[Mavericks Choice]

On Christmas Eve, Nathan thought it would be nice to buy his wife a little gift for the next day.
Always short of money, he thought long and hard about what that present might be.
Unable to decide, Nathan entered Debenhams and in the cosmetics section he asked the girl, 'How about some perfume?' She showed him a bottle costing £75.
'Too expensive,' muttered Nathan.
The young lady returned with a smaller bottle for £50. 'Oh dear,' Nathan groused, 'still far too much.'
Growing rather annoyed at Nathan's meanness, the sales girl brought out a tiny £10 bottle and offered it to him.
Nathan became really agitated, 'What I mean', he whined, 'is I'd like to see something really cheap.'
So the sales girl handed him a mirror.

 

[Mavericks Choice]

One day a teacher was teaching religion, when she asked the class "What part of your body do you think goes up to heaven first?"
Two children rose their hand. One was little Johnny. Hesitant to pick on him she chose little Mary.
"I think your heart goes first because, that's were your emotions of love are."
"Very interesting." replied the teacher. Seeing no one else had their hand raised but Johnny, she finally called on him.
"I think your feet go up first."
Confused but relieved the teacher said, "Why is that?"
Johnny replied, "Once when I walked in my parents room I saw my dad on my mom, and she had her feet in the air saying "Oh God!"