Joke of the Day

[Mavericks Choice]

I've just been arrested by police investigating match fixing.
They executed search warrants at my home and office, seized my computer, laptop and mobile phone, and froze my bank account.
All I did was go into my local bookies and put a £5 bet on Manchester United to win.

 

[Mavericks Choice]

After the announcement, I am sorry but this Christmas there is no way that I am not seeing family and friends.
You can do what you like, but I will be seeing them.
So, on Christmas Day, the following family will be at the table......
Auntie Stella & Uncle Jameson, with cousin Bailey, Malibu & Smirnoff, & the twins Gin & Tonic,
Scottish cousins Johnny Walker and Glen Moray, & from across the pond, bringing some old fashioned southern comfort with them my old cousins, Jack Daniels and Jim Beam,
My French mate Remy Martin & his friend Pernod, my Spanish mate Jose Cuevro & his cousin Martini, & Bianco, & her daughter tequila my Greek friends Ouzo & Sambuca,
My friends Brandy, Fosters, Snowball & mickey slim,
My Neighbours Captain Morgan & the Grants, the Bells, & the Cointreau's, & the Henneseys,
Uncle Charlie cant make an appearance though.....not good around the kids... although Auntie Stella is on a warning!!
MERRY CHRISTMAS....

 

[Mavericks Choice]

The manager of a large office asked a new employee to come into his office.
"What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked.
"John" the new guy replied.
The manager scowled. "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name! It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority," he said. "I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
The manager said, "Hmm...Okay, ...Well John, perhaps it is time we changed our policy...."

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it."
Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes.
Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow.
The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"

 

[vc commodore]

Why is Christmas like any other day in the office?

You end up doing all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A guy rings his boss and says " Sorry I can't come in to work today"
The boss asks him "Why not? Are you sick?"
The guy replies "It's my eyes"
Why? What's wrong with your eyes?"
"I just can't see myself coming into work today"

 

[Mavericks Choice]

I was arrested yesterday for Shoplifting, The Officer said, "You are being charged with Stealing Two Bottles of Wine"...
I said, "You can't Charge me for Stealing Two Bottles"...
Officer, "Why not"...?
I said, "It was buy one get one free"...

 

[Rocketeer]

An Aussie named Bazza wanted to buy a motorcycle.
He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a for sale' sign on it.
The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in mint condition.
He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. 'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.
It protects it from the rain', and he hands Bazza a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Shazza, invites him over to meet her parents.
Naturally, they take the bike there.
Just before they enter the house, Shazza stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes. '
No problem,' he says…
And in they go. Bazza is shocked.
Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks. Dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Bazza decides to take advantage of the situation. He leans over and kisses Shazza. No one says a word. He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and takes her, right there in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mum horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mum. She's got a great body too. Bazza grabs mum, bends her over the table, pulls down her knickers, and turns her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table.
She has a big orgasm, & Bazza sits down. His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, & mum is beaming from ear to ear.
But still....Total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain..
Bazza remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket..

Suddenly the father shouted. 'I'll do the dishes!!'.

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Just to let everyone know. After much soul-searching i have decided not to send Christmas cards this year.
Including postage, i normally spend around $100 on cards each year and generally the cards just end up in the bin and subsequently in landfill. This is obviously a dreadful waste.
To counter this waste we have decided to take the $100 to buy gin, wine and beer, massively reducing our ability to give a s**t what anyone else thinks.
I'm sure you'll support me in this utterly selfish act.

Merry Christmas

 

[Mavericks Choice]

For Christmas, I bought my wife a world map and gave her a dart. I told her to throw it and wherever it lands, we will go on holiday in the summer.
Turns out we are spending two weeks behind the fridge.