Joke of the Day

[Mavericks Choice]

Man walks in to a pub in Dublin, and asks “am I too early for a drink?” The barman say “yes, it’s 10 minutes till opening time, you can wait over there though (points to a chair)”.
The man says thanks and sits down,
The barman then says “would you like a drink, while you're waiting”.

 

[Mavericks Choice]

An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the woman was driving.
She gets pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer says, "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?"
The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."
The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"
The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE."
The woman gives him her license.
The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had."
The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
"HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU," the old man yells.

 

[Mavericks Choice]

The manager at the restaurant where I worked was a friendly, jovial man.
But there was one subject you didn't dare discuss in front of him--his height. Or, should I say, his lack of it.
One day he stormed through the door and announced angrily, "Someone just picked my pocket!"
Most of my fellow waitresses and I were speechless, except for one who blurted out, "How could anyone stoop so low?"

 

[Rocketeer]

The Cynical Philosopher...
Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year -- not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his bus.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

I find it ironic that the colours red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

I think my neighbour is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

Money talks ..but all mine ever says is good-bye.

You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

My 60-year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.

Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!

The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Finally, the good-natured boss was compelled to call Smith into his office. "It has not escaped my attention," he pointed out, "that every time there's a home football game, you have to take your aunt to the doctor."
"You know you're right, sir," exclaimed Smith, "I didn't realise it. You don't suppose she's faking, do you?"

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"
One child blurted out, "Aces!"

 

[Mavericks Choice]

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly. "Simply hold a lighted match directly under his
feet." was the shop owner's reply.
The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.
"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you." So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter beneath both feet?" The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life:
"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

 

[Mavericks Choice]

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used
to live in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona.
Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to looks like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear nametags because they don't know who they are anymore.
They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is ok now. They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they jump up and down in it with their hats on. At the gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape.
Sometimes they sneak out and go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks. They just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night--early birds. Some of the people can't get past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring back food to the wrecked center for pot luck.
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked hard all of his life to earn his retardment and says that I should work hard too, so I can be retarded someday too.
When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.

 

[Mavericks Choice]

The dog ran off last night, so there I was walking round the park calling his name for 20 minutes but I couldn't find him.
My wife said I should look harder, so I shaved my head and got a tattoo. But I still can't find the flamin dog!

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes.
Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year! (Made mine this morning!!!!) 1 cup sugar, half pound butter, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp salt, 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1 bottle Vodka, 2 cups dried fruit 4 cups self raising flour and mixed spice
Sample a cup of Vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Vodka again to be sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to make sure the Vodka is still OK. Try another cup just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the fruit up off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver sample the Vodka to test for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Check the Vodka. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finish of the Vodka and wipe the counter with the cat.