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Discussion in 'Jokes/Humour' started by Mavericks Choice, Sep 16, 2017.
After working several year as a maid for the same family, she decided to ask the woman of the house for a raise.
the woman, a bit surprised asked: "How come you was asking for the raise in these times of global financial downfall?"
The maid says: Well, your husband always says than i clean the house better than you ever did.
The women says: "Did he really say that?"
"Yes" said the maid. "Also i cook way better than you."
the woman says: "Is that so?"
The maid says: "yes, your husband also told me that"
"What?!!?" says the woman.
"He did." The maid continued and said: "I am also way better in bed than you."
The woman says: "What.. did my b@stard of a husband also say that?"
"No." said the maid:
"The gardener did."
A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him
to let them take him home. He says no he only lives a mile away.
About five blocks from the party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask
him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police
radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block
away. The police tell the man to stay put, they will be right back and they
hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery.
The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets
there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might
come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.
A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. Joe is there
and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed
with the flu and has been so all day.
The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks
why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage. She
opens the door. There sitting in the garage is the police car, with all its
lights still flashing.
CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY WHO WERE BORN IN THE 1940's, 50's, 60's, 70's & 80's !
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, raw egg products, loads of bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer.
Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets. When we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds, KFC, Subway or Nandos.
Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on the weekends, somehow we didn't starve to death!
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy toffees, gobstoppers, bubble gum and some crackers to blow up frogs.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day . . . and we were okay.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old prams and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and dens and played in river beds with matchbox cars.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo Wii, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 999 channels on SKY, no videos or DVD films,
no mobile phones, no personal computers, no internet or internet chat rooms . . . WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
Only girls had pierced ears!
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time.
We were given air rifles and catapults for our 10th birthdays.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door, rang the bell or just yelled for them!
Mum didn't have to go to work to help Dad make ends meet!
Footy and cricket had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! Getting into the team was based on merit!
Our teachers used to hit us with canes and gym shoes and bullies always ruled the playground at school.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
Our parents didn't invent stupid names for their kids like 'Kiora' and 'Blade' and 'Ridge' and 'Vanilla'.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL! And YOU are one of them! Congratulations!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.
And while you are at it, show this to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.
Good post though.
WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
And if they were not around, we learn to entertain ourselves.
How many of you have been in a car, in the rain, with a dad and/or a mum that smoked and no goddamned AC on a long ass trip, not wearing seatbelts on the back, or the front?
All be danmed if my dad found out if the Teacher hit me for some that I did. I will get it double at home, füking Nuns were rats on those days...
Well, joined the Mili, got shipped out to several theaters, put up with the bullshit for 22 years, retired and adapted back to civilian life. Sh¡t that is not taught these days, adapt and overcome.
On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:
2 Italian men and I Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
2 New Zealand men and 1 New Zealand woman
2 Irish men and I Irish woman
One month later, the following things have occurred:
*One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
*The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having loads of sex.
*The two German men have a strict weekly schedule as to when they alternate with the German woman.
*The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
*The two Englishmen are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
*The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.
*The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfilment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer, and how her relationship with her mother is improving.
*The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for
*The two Australian men beat each other senseless for the Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men, after calling them both "bloody wankers".
*Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.
*The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and set up a distillery. After the first few litres of coconut whisky they do not remember if sex is in the picture, but they are satisfied that at least the English are not getting any.
A newlywed couple and their families were in court. The judge was questioning the best man about the fight which broke out at the wedding reception a few weeks earlier.
"Your Honor, we were having a wonderful time. Everyone was dancing and celebrating. As you know,... it's traditional for the best man to have a dance with the bride. And that's exactly what I was doing when the fight broke out. After our first dance, the music continued, so I danced with her during the second song. After that, the music STILL continued, so I danced with her during the third song. That's when the groom jumped over the tables and gave the bride a powerful kick in the crotch and a couple of punches to her breasts."
"Wow, that must've been very painful." said the judge.
"You bet it was painful!" replied the best man. "It broke six of my fingers and gave me a fat lip!"
The wife was texting me all day yesterday saying she was in casualty. I watched all 50 minutes of it last night and I didn't see her once. She's still not home yet either and I'm getting hungry!
A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say,"Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"
Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on TV. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their TV set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.
Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the TV, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.
Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch. Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead."
Separate names with a comma.