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Discussion in 'Jokes/Humour' started by Mavericks Choice, Sep 16, 2017.
A man is sitting reading his newspaper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
What was that for?" he says. "That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pockets with the name Mary-Ellen written on it," she replies. "Don't be daft," he explains, "two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary-Ellen was the name of one of the horses I bet on." She seems satisfied at this and apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house. Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes around, he says, what the hell was that for?" "Your ******* horse phoned!"
After a severe earthquake in Dublin, Ireland.
Rescuers were searching the rubble of a collapsed city centre hotel, when they heard a faint Irish voice shout "Help! Fecking help me!"
The rescuers shouted "Where are you?"
Paddy shouts "I'm in room 236."
What’s the difference between Anthony Mundine and a Poofter??
A Poofter goes in the ring and lasts longer than 90 seconds with a good horn!
I pulled up next to a Porche at the traffic lights and saw his window was down,
"Nice car mate, " I said. "Must've set you back a fair bit."
"£119,500." He replied with a smug grin on his face.
"Wow, just think," I said. "Another 500 and you could have got some fukking indicators fitted as well."
At the hospital this morning I stared at my wife through the glass in disbelief.She kept drifting in then out, in then out, in then out.People were screaming and shouting and running frantically all over the place. Then a doctor screamed "she's crashing"!But thankfully, she noticed a bigger parking space in the next lane and pulled in there.
No wonder I'm in here for a fuking nervous breakdown.
I've just noticed the wife is wearing her sexy underwear.
This can only mean one thing...
She's behind with the washing!
I saw a young lady texting and driving yesterday. Her disregard for the other drivers really pissed me off, so I opened my window and threw my beer at her.
A man comes home at 3 o'clock in the morning.
Removes his shoes downstairs and goes upstairs carefully avoiding the creaking steps of the staircase.
Once in the sleeping room he sits down quietly on his side of the bed and begins to remove his socks.
Just when he attempts to remove the second sock his wife jumps up and furiously snaps "And now I would like to know which establishments are still open at 3 in the morning!".
The man starts putting his socks back on and says "I'll check this out immediately darling".
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