Joke of the Day

[Mavericks Choice]

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:
"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "Get in line."

 

[rambunctious]

Here ya go ya old farts

The “Green Thing” Back in My Day

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to me I should bring my own shopping bags because plastic bags weren’t good for the environment.

I apologized and explained, “We didn’t have this green thing back in my earlier days.”

The cashier responded, “That’s our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations.”

She was right — our generation didn’t have the green thing in its day. Back then, we returned milk bottles, pop bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.

We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But we didn’t have the green thing back in our day.

We walked up stairs, because we didn’t have an escalator in every shop and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn’t climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.

Back then, we washed the baby’s diapers because we didn’t have the throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts — wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.

But that young lady is right. We didn’t have the green thing back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV or radio in the house — not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief — remember them? — not a screen the size of the county.

In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn’t have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the post, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.

Back then, we didn’t fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn’t need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

But she’s right. We didn’t have the green thing back then.

We drank water from a fountain or a tap when we were thirsty instead of demanding a plastic bottle flown in from another country. We accepted that a lot of food was seasonal and didn’t expect it to be flown in from other parts of the world thousands of kilometers away.

We actually cooked food that didn’t come out of a packet, tin or plastic wrap and we could even wash our own vegetables and chop our own salad. But we didn’t have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus, and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their mothers into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn’t need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.

But isn’t it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn’t have the green thing back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smart-ass young person.

We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to … Especially from a tattooed, multiple pierced smartass who can't make change without the cash register telling them how much.

 

[Mavericks Choice]

I experienced the WORST customer service today at a local store. I don't want to mention the name of the store because I'm not sure how I'm going to handle this. Last night I bought something from this store and I paid cash for it. I took it home and found out it didn't work. So today, less than 24 hours later I took it back to the same store and asked if I could get a refund. The cashier told me “NO” even though I still had the receipt. I asked if I could get a replacement instead, again she told me "NO." I asked to talk to a manager now as I'm really not happy and I explained that I had just bought the item, had got it home and it didn't work. The manager just smiled and told me straight to my face that I was "OUT OF LUCK."

No refund.
No FREE replacement. Grrrrrrrrr...
I'll tell you what... I am NEVER buying another Lottery Ticket from there again.

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected a large crowd gathered.
A newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story could not get near the car.
Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim." The crowd made way for him.
Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

 

[lmoengnr]

Tiger Woods and Stevie Wonder bumped into one another at a charity function in New York and struck up a conversation.
Stevie: “I have been at great admirer of you, Tiger and it’s because of you that I took up playing golf.”
Tiger: “You play golf? Forgive me for asking but how does a blind man like you play golf?”
Stevie: “It’s quite simple really. My caddie puts my ball on the tee and lines me up. He then runs down the middle of the fairway calling out very loudly. I then hit the ball in the direction of his calls. The same process takes place with each shot and when I get on the green he lies with his mouth against the hole and I just putt the ball in the direction of his voice.”
Tiger: “That’s fascinating. I would love to see that. I’m in town for a few days. Perhaps we can play a round together.”
Stevie: “That would be great but I only play for money and my price is US$10,000 per hole.”
Tiger (thinking it would be easy to beat a blind man): “OK, I accept the challenge. When are you available to play?”
Stevie: “Midnight on Tuesday!”

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Walking down the street one day, a woman heard a voice yell, "Stop! If you take one more step, you will be killed." The woman stopped and seconds later a brick fell and landed in her path.
A few minutes later, she was ready to cross the street when the same voice bellowed "Halt! Don’t cross the street now". An out-of-control beer truck soon screeched around the corner and didn't even slowdown as it ran the red light.
Shaken, the woman asked out loud, "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel." replied the voice. "And I imagine you have some questions for me".
"You bet I do," the woman said. "Where were you on my wedding day?"

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.”
“Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle.
“That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”
She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?”
“Ummmm...I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever.
“My, my,” said the Poodle.
“I guess it’s hopeless.
That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.”
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?”
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the minute chihuahua.
He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says...
“Liver alone. Cheese mine."

 

[keith reed]

Alexa, Alexa. What do women want?

The ******* thing hasn't shut up for seven days.

 

[Mavericks Choice]

You Are Probably Retired If....
You and your teeth don't sleep together.
You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
You step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
Getting "lucky" means you remember where you left your car .
Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt; doesn't work.
You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.
You have more hair in your ears and nose than on your head.

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Flying Solo . . .
This is the story of a poor blond flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot . . .
He has a heart attack and dies.
The blond frantically calls a May Day:
"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me!
My pilot had a heart attack and is dead!
And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"
All of a sudden the blond hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is the tower. I have received your message and I will talk you
through it.
I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem.
Now, just relax. Everything will be fine! Now give me your
height and position."
The blond says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."
"O.K." says the voice from the tower.
"Repeat after me:
Our Father…
Who art in Heaven… "