Joke of the Day

[Mavericks Choice]

Two African men were talking on a London Bus. One said "I think it's wombaa". "No" said the other, "it's definitely woooomb". They went back and forth with this argument until a little old lady sitting behind them said " Excuse me gentlemen but the word is pronounced woom, rhyming with room." One of the men turned to her and said " What would you know about it lady? I bet you never heard a Hippo fart underwater in Lake Tanganyika."

 

[Rocketeer]

A priest and a rabbi are seated together on a plane. After a while, the priest turns to the rabbi and asks,

"Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The rabbi says, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."
The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replies, "

Yes, on one occasion, I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
The priest nods in understanding and goes on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi asks the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replies, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asks, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptation of the flesh?"
The priest says, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."
The rabbi nods understandingly. He is silent for about five minutes, and then says,
"Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

 

[Mavericks Choice]

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD is ****...That's right, ****! You can smoke ****, get **** faced, buy ****, sell ****, lose ****, find ****, tell people to go and ****, forget ****, Some people know their **** and some have **** for brains, There's lucky shits, dumb shits & crazy ****, there's bull ****, horse ****, chicken ****, deep ****, the wrong ****, the right **** & not enough ****, weird ****, scary ****, up **** creek without a paddle & sometimes everything you touch turns to ****. You could pass this along if you give a ****.... or not if you don't give a ****. Hope you have a **** free day but remember........ **** Happens!!!.....

 

[hademall]

PESSIMISM: It's all sh1t.

 

[rambunctious]

Watched a new movie last night
What men want
It only ran for 30 seconds, however
I found out they are making another movie called what women want
They have been filming now for 260 hours and it is only half way through

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A lonely 70-year-old widow decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person."
The following day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow asked: "Just look at you -- you have no legs!"
The old gent smiled: "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"
"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.
Again, the old man smiled: "Therefore, I can never beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: "Are you still good in bed?"
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said: "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A guy is put before the judge's bench because he is on trial for paying a prostitute for sex.
"How do you plead?" asks the judge, to the defendant.
"Not Guilty, your honor."
Showing him a videotape of the alleged act, the prosecutor responds, "How can you possibly convince the court of your innocence, if we have both the sex act, plus your subsequent payment to the alleged prostitute right here on tape?"
"Easy," says the defendant, "I'll admit to the court that although I wasn't engaged in an act of prostitution, I was committing another 'heinous' crime ... gambling."
"Gambling?" responds the prosecutor. "How so?"
"Well you see," answers the defendant, "I went up to the young lady earlier that night as she was working in a topless bar and said to her, 'I'll bet you $200 that you don't get to have sex with me tonight'. That videotape is just footage of me losing the bet!"

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Three men die on Xmas Eve. To get into heaven St Peter says you must have something on you that represents Xmas.
The Englishman flicks on his lighter and says it's a candle, St Peter lets him pass.
The Welshman jingles his keys and says they're sleigh bells, St Peter lets him pass.
The Irishman pulls out a G String and bra, St Peter says how the hell do they represent Xmas?.
Paddy says "they're Carols".

 

[Crunchy Granola]

I went to see a physiologist today and told him I was having suicidal thoughts. He immediately tells me this , "From know on you'll be paying up front ! !.

 

[Mavericks Choice]

The Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. 'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room. 'Oh, it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here, have this' he gives the sandwich and beer to the statue.
Then he said to the statue:
'I stood like that for two days at the Smiths house and nobody offered me a damned thing.'