Joke of the Day

[rambunctious]

At any given moment:

FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old person is reading emails.

You hang in there, sunshine

 

[lmoengnr]

 

[Mavericks Choice]

The young male racehorse came from a long line of winners and did wonderfully in time trials.
However, in actual races, he proved a little too romantic, and could never quite bring himself to pass a mare.
So one day the trainer went to him and told him he’d have to be castrated.
The young horse, knowing that it was either this or the glue factory, took it philosophically.
After all, having the operation was almost a certain guarantee of a long and illustrious racing career.
After a short recovery period, the horse was again run in time trials and found to do as well as ever.
But the first time he actually ran in a race, he only went about ten paces, before getting a dejected look on his face, turning around, and ambling back to the starting gates.
“What’s the matter?” asked the trainer,
“you were doing great!”
“Yeah, well how would you feel”
replied the horse,
“if five thousand people took one look at you and shouted ‘they’re off!’?”

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Little Johnny's preschool class went on a field trip to the fire station. The firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke detector and asked the class: "Does anyone know what this is?"
Little Johnny's hand shot up and the firefighter called on him.
Little Johnny replied: "That's how Mummy knows supper is ready!"

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A husband got home from work and the wife said
"So, do you notice anything different about me?"
He said "You've had your hair done?"
She said "Nope."
He said "You've had your nails done?"
She said "Nope."
He said "Your wearing a new dress."
She said "Nope."
He said "Oh I give up."
She said "I'm wearing a gas mask."

 

[Rocketeer]

Two old men are sitting on a bench at the park.
A fit, young girl runs past in a sports bra and a tiny pair of shorts.

One of the men smiles and this brings the girl over.
"Why are you staring at me and grinning, you pervert?" she says.

The old man sweetly replies "My dear I'm not smiling at you,
I'm smiling at the thought that no matter how bad the world gets,
there will always be young, pretty girls in the summer to cheer up a lonely old man".

The girl replies "Awwwww, you sweet old man" leans in and gives him a kiss on the cheek, and jogs on.

The old man turns to his friend and says "2 nil ********, your turn".

 

[lout]

Optional V8 sound effects for EV's
The automotive equivalent of faking an orgasm

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $5 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $5 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

 

[Mavericks Choice]

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.
'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.'
'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and
I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?'
'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny.. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.'
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!'
The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?'
The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an animal am I?'
The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold, you're slippery, and you have no balls...You must be a politician.'

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3 am in the morning and it's bloomin' well pouring with rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too you know."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk..