Joke of the Day

[Mavericks Choice]

So this old man is walking down the street in Brooklyn.

He sees a young boy sitting on the street in front of a candy shop, shoving sweets in his mouth as fast as possible.

The man walks up to the boy and says "You know son, it’s really not healthy to eat all that candy."

The kid looks up at him and says, "You know my grandfather lived to be 97 years old."


The man replies "Oh and did he eat a lot of candy?" The kid looks at him and says "No, but he minded his own fecing business."

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defence attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Ever since I was a child I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him, "I've got problems, every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink.
"Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?" "One hundred fifty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.
"I'll sleep on it," I said. Six months later the doctor met me on the street, he asked,"Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?"
"Well, $150 a visit, three times a week for a year, is $23,400.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new pickup truck."
With a bit of an attitude he said, "Is that so? And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody there now."

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Dave the Scouser is touring the US on holiday and stops in the remote hills of Nevada. Hes chatting to the bartender when he spies and old Indian sitting in the corner - complete with full tribal gear, long white plaits and wrinkled face. "Whos he?" asks Dave. "Thats the memory man" says the bartender. "He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try him out". So Dave wanders over, and thinking he wont know about English football, asks: "Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?". "Liverpool", replies the Memory Man, instantly. The tourist is amazed, "Who did they beat?". "Leeds" comes the reply, quick as a flash. "And the Score?" asks Dave. The wise brave doesnt hesitate - "Two-One". Thinking that details may fox him Dave tries sumthing more specific. "Who scored the winning goal?" he asks. The Red Indian doesnt even blink "Ian St John!". The Scouser is flabbergasted and, returning home tells all his friends and relatives. Ten years later hes saved enough to visit the US again and after weeks of searching through the towns of Nevada, Dave finds the Memory Man in a cave in the mountains, older and more wrinkled still in his headress and warpaint. Humbled by the vision, Dave steps forward, bows and greets the Indian in the traditional native tongue "HOW". The Memory Man squints at him and says "Diving header in the six yard box...."

 

[Mavericks Choice]

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."; Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch." Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands." The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story. "Well," Johnny replied, "Don't **** with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A boxer goes to the doctor`s suffering from terrible insomnia. "Have you tried counting sheep?" suggests the doctor, "No, that doesn't help at all," says the boxer, "Every time I reach nine, I get up."

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos and wearing strange clothing, entered the E.R. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read 'Keep off the grass’ Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing which said "Sorry, had to mow the lawn"

 

[Rocketeer]

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor,
I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o.
Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever. "Wow!" says the judge.. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two
circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your butt hole before prison............

 

[Rocketeer]

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A rich man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside.
He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man.
"I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, please come to my house!"
"But sir, I have a wife and four children..."
"Bring them along!" the rich man said.
They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in."
The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!"