Joke of the Day

[ephect]

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Mike Murphy and his pregnant wife live on a farm in the distant rural regions. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is begins to deliver the baby. The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mikey. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.
"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..." Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mikey." Soon the doctor delivers the next child. "You've a full set now, Mikey. A beautiful baby daughter."
"Thanks be to..."
Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mikey, Hold the lantern!" Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor holds up the baby for Mike's inspection.
"Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?"

 

[Mavericks Choice]

FUMING IM GONNA FIND YOU!!!!! I just got home to find all the windows wide open!! They've taken everything. Im waiting for the police! The dirty rotten thieving bastards. What kind of sick minded person would do that to another person?.............That was my advent calendar and you had no right to open the windows,and eat all my chocolates !!

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Well that was a good job interview, they were really impressed when i told them by the time i was 25 i had 500 people under me where i worked. I didnt tell them i mowed the lawn in the cemetary though

 

[1985VK]

 

[Mavericks Choice]

The Smartest Man in the World
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.
In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.
Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.
The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.
The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."
He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."
The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just jumped with my back pack."

 

[Rocketeer]

An Australian travelling through England on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification.

Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the Australian Customs Agents at the airport. "May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent.

"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the bloke.

"Sure mate, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent.

"But I can prove I'm an Australian!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of Bill Shorten tattooed on one side of my arse and Albanese on the other.

"This I gotta see," replied the agent.


With that, the bloke dropped his strides and showed the agent his behind.

"By hell, you're right!" exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip back to Victoria."

"But how did you know I was from Victoria?"


The agent replied, "I recognized Daniel Andrews in the middle".

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Three good ole boys died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The cowboy from Texas fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The logger from Minnesota reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The old farmer from Ohio started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The Buckeye replied, 'These are Carols.'
And So The Christmas Season
Begins

 

[Crunchy Granola]

A man is playing the piano softly one night in a downtown bar.
In walks an elephant who goes over to the pianist, and suddenly starts to cry.
"There, there", says the pianist "Do you recognize the song?"
"No, no," says the elephant "I recognize the keys."

Never throw toothpicks in the toilet. Because the Crabs pole vault.