My mother in law came round my house and looked at the wall. "Urgh! What is that disgusting thing? modern art?" she cried. "No dear, it's a mirror."
Jack and Joe were in London. It was Joe's first visit and Jack had a bit of business to do so he said he would meet Joe in the hotel bar. The barman being a clever sod asked Joe what he would like to drink. Joe said he would have a Gin. The barman said they had three types of Gin. Oxygin, Hydrogin or Sanatogin.Joe was shocked. When Jack returned Joe told him what the barman had said. Jack went to the bar and the barman asked what he would like to drink. Joe replied " I will have a turd" The barman said he had never heard of that drink. Jack said "There are three types of turd, Custurd, Musturd and you you big ****"
I just saw a fella in my garden who was wearing a baseball cap, rugby shirt, golfing trousers and tennis shoes, so I shouted "hey what's your fuking game"
Michael J Fox goes to the ice cream parlour. "Can i have an ice cream please?" He says. "No problem" says the lady "what flavour would you like?" "I don't care." Says Michael. "Erm ok, do you want sauce with it?" "I don't care!" Says Michael. "What about hundreds n thousands?" "I don't care!!" Says Michael. "What about Nuts? Chocolate sprinkles? Perhaps a flake?" Asks the kind lady. "I DON'T CARE!!!!" shouts Michael. "..... you don't really care about anything do you." Says the ice cream lady. Michael says "Well I'm only gonna drop the fuking thing"
The missus is very overweight and is doing exercises to try and slim down. After jogging yesterday she thought she was having a heart attack saying she had a horrible pain under her left breast. Turned out, she had a sprained knee!
Two men at an airport, 1st man says 'I can't find my wife' 2nd man says 'I can't find mine either, what does yours look like?' 1st man says '6ft tall, blonde, big tits, long legs, mini skirt, high heels and a cropped top, whats yours look like?' 2nd man says '**** her, lets look for yours'
