Joke of the Day

[Mavericks Choice]

I went to see my doctor, I said "I don't understand it - my wife is pregnant but we haven't had sex in a year!"
The doctor replies, "Ah, it's what we call a 'grudge pregnancy'... Someone's obviously had it in for you."

 

[Mavericks Choice]

An Australian went into a bar and sat next to a kiwi who was chewing gum. The kiwi chewing the gum asked the aussie if they eat bread in Australia, The aussie said "Of course, we eat the inside of the bread and take the outside and recycle it then make cereal with it for kiwis." Then the kiwi chewing on the gum asked if they ate bananas in Australia Then the aussie said, "Well of course we eat the inside and recycle the rest and make smoothies for kiwis." Then the kiwi chewing the gum asked 1 more question "do you have sex in Australia:" The man said yes "we use condoms for sex and when we finish with them we recycle it and make gum for kiwis".

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Did you hear about the winner of the New Zealand beauty contest? Me neither.
Whats the difference between Cinderella and the New Zealand rugby team? Cinderella wanted to get to the ball.
What is a Kiwi's defense in court? "Honest your Honor, I was just helping the sheep over the fence."
How do Kiwi's find sheep in long grass? Delightful!
Why wasn't Jesus born in New Zealand? He couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her obstetrician’s office. After the exam, she shyly said “My husband wants me to ask you…” The doctor interrupts “I know… I know…” placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, “I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.” “No, that’s not it…” the woman confessed. “He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.”

 

[Mavericks Choice]

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty... You're crazy to go to Rome... So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking BA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"BA?" exclaimed the hairdresser... " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Good luck on this trip of yours. You're going to need it..."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of BA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a £5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me"

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"

He said: "Who the f**k did your hair?"

 

[Mavericks Choice]

There is a knock on the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks out, and a man is standing there. Saint Peter is about to begin his interview when the man disappears. A moment later there's another knock. Saint Peter gets the door, sees the man, opens his mouth to speak, but the man disappears once again. "Hey, are you playing games with me?" Saint Peter calls after him, rather annoyed.
"No" the man's distant voice replies anxiously.
"They are trying to resuscitate me."

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Elderly man stopped by police.
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, “I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, hookers, alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late.”
The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”
The man replies, “My wife.”

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of police officers, an old Sergeant and a younger Constable. The Sergeant says, "Mate, we have some news for you. Unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news."

"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first." The Sergeant says, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is. The Sergeant says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few
Really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share."
He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it.

"Aww thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... so, what's the other possible good news?"

"Well," the Sergeant says, "If you fancy a quick trip, young Bill and I get off duty at around 11 o'clock... and we're going to shoot over there and pull her up again".

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of police officers, an old Sergeant and a younger Constable. The Sergeant says, "Mate, we have some news for you. Unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news."

"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first." The Sergeant says, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is. The Sergeant says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few
Really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share."
He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it.

"Aww thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... so, what's the other possible good news?"

"Well," the Sergeant says, "If you fancy a quick trip, young Bill and I get off duty at around 11 o'clock... and we're going to shoot over there and pull her up again".