It takes just a moment to join our fantastic community
Discussion in 'Jokes/Humour' started by Mavericks Choice, Sep 16, 2017.
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, “Hey Senor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.” The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King Of Beers’, a Budweiser.” The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.” The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask “Why aren’t you drinking a Guinness?” and the Guinness president replies, “Well, I figured if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither would I.”
Deep In the back woods of Tennessee, a hillbilly’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, “Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am
doing.” Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.
Whoa there, said the doctor, “Don’t be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there’s another one coming.” Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. “Hold that lantern up, don’t set it down there’s another one!” said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.
“No, don’t be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there’s yet another one coming!” cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, “You reckon it might be the light that’s attractin’ ’em?
A wealthy Arab Sheikh was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose:
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out. Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman in appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, 5 carats of diamonds, and $50,000 dollars.
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate more of his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Black Magic chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before.
He phoned the Arab and asked him. "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money ... but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates."
To this the Arab replied. "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins.
While working for an organisation that delivers lunches to elderly people, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.
She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.
One day, I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.
As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, “The tooth fairy will never believe this!”
The Law of Common Sense:
Never accept a drink from a urologist.
The Law of Reality:
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
The Law of Self Sacrifice:
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
The Law of Volunteering:
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.
The Law of Avoiding Oversell:
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
The Law of Motivation:
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
You always find something in the last place you look.
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
Law of Probable Dispersal:
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Law of Volunteer Labor:
People are always available for work in the past tense.
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
Iron Law of Distribution:
Them that has, gets.
Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
There is always one more bug.
Law of Drunkenness:
You can't fall off the floor.
The first myth of management is that it exists.
Variables won't; constants aren't.
Weinberg's Second Law:
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.
Two Irish nuns have just arrived to the USA by boat and one says to the other, “I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs.”
“Odd,” her companion replies, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.”
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.
“Two dogs, please,” says one.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their “dogs.”
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously: “Which part did you get?
I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.
In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
It was 1943 during WWII, and an Italian officer, an imperial Japanese officer and a German officer got captured.
They all sit in a cell and wait to be interrogated by the Allies.
The German says: “My superior genetics will let me withstand every torture! I won’t tell them anything!”
The Japanese says: “I will never dishonor my country and tell them our secrets!”
The Italian says: “I guess I’m screwed.”
First they pick the German and pull him out of the cell away from the others. The next day they bring him back with bruises and cuts everywhere and he says: “I have failed, I told them everything.”
Next they pick the Japanese. Two days later they bring him back badly beaten up and in a bad condition. He says: “I have dishonored the emperor and i don’t deserve this life! I told them everything.”
ow they pick the Italian, who is already crying and asking for mercy. For two weeks they don’t hear anything from the Italian and start wondering what happened to him.
Then they bring him back, in a horrible condition, barely alive and the guard says: “I would have never believed that you guys would speak and the Italian is the one who wouldn’t say a word to us.”
They throw him back in the cell and the German and the Japanese rush to him and ask what happened and why he didn’t say anything.
The Italian answers: “Mamma mia, I wanted to tell them everything, but then they tied my hands behind my back!”
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking lad in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.
The circus owner tells them: I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life," He then turns to the young man and asks, "can you top that?"
The young man replies. "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."
A Blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.
The Blonde Cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
‘What does it look like?’ she finally asked. The policewoman replied, ‘It’s square and it has you picture on it.’
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. ‘Here it is,’ she said.
The Blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, “OK, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop…”
A DEA police officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. From the first second he had a bad attitude about him, annoyed he had to muddy his clean boots out in the country. He tells the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The rancher says, “Alright, you can search the ranch, but do not go in that field over there.”
The DEA officer, clearly angry, says, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher.
“See this badge? DO you?!? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land, no questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand me?!?” He shouts.
The rancher nods quietly, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher’s big Santa Gertrudis Bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, as he runs for all he’s worth.
The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs:
“Your badge… Show him your BADGE!!!”
Two elephants meet a totally naked guy. After a while one elephant says to the other: “I really don’t get how he can feed himself with that thing!”
I just got a photo from a speeding camera through the mail. I sent it right back – way too expensive and really bad quality.
A police officer stops a minivan full of elderly ladies being driven by an old gentleman because they’re only going 25 mph, stopping the mid-day traffic.
The policeman asks the driver why is he going so slow.
“Well that’s the speed limit, isn’t it! There was a sign saying 25 and everything!” the driver defends himself.
The policeman sighs, “No, sir, that’s the number of the highway you’re on. It has nothing to do with the speed limit.”
“Oh, so that’s what it means…” says the driver, looking shocked.
The officer looks at the rest of the van and notices the grannies are looking somewhat frozen and stiff.
“What’s up with the ladies?” he asks the driver.
“Um…” the driver scratches his head, “you see, we just got off highway 150…”
It’s been a long, long day, and John the truck driver really wanted to just get home. Living in Washington D.C, he knew traffic would be bad this time of evening, but to his horror, a traffic jam reared ahead of him larger than anything he could have anticipated.
Bewildered, since he hadn’t heard anything yet on the news, he stuck his head out and just kept seeing cars slowing down and then driving off.
Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, “What’s going on?”
“Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress!”
“Oh my gosh!” exclaimed John.
“And they’re asking for a $100 million dollar ransom.”
“Jeez Louise!” moaned John.
“Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire!”
“Lord have mercy!” cried John.
“We are going from car to car, collecting donations.”
“How much is everyone giving, on average?” asked John.
“About a gallon.”
A lawyer boarded a Jetstar flight in Perth, with a box of frozen crabs and asked the blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour.
Shortly before landing in Sydney, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in Perth, please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up……so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.
Separate names with a comma.