Joke of the Day

[Mavericks Choice]

"Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. think, 'It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A man is angry because he has it in his head that someone stole his wallet. He walks into a church to steal someone else's wallet, but he has a change of heart during the service. He confesses to the priest afterwards about what his intentions had initially been. The priest asks, "What made you change your mind?" The man says, "In your sermon on the Ten Commandments when you got to 'Thou shall not commit adultery,' I remembered where I left my wallet!

 

[Rocketeer]

It's 1977, I'm 9 years old. My mum and dad are roaring with laughter as they watch Celebrity Squares on the tele and I don't understand what's so funny.

Q . Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years?
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A.George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

 

[lmoengnr]

There were two nuns. One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL)).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to make love to us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
A little while later...
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened.. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it was going to be something dirty, say three Hail Marys

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Was in the Chemist shop earlier and said to the assistant..."Wow..your really going for the Halloween thing this year with the zombie costumes"
"No Sir" she said.."that's the queue for methadone

 

[Rocketeer]

Joe just passed his 80 th birthday and decided it was time he got married. He found a beautiful 20 year old girl and they got married. After a few weeks Joe went to his Doc for his usual check up.
Howya doin’ Joe asks the doc. Great says Joe, never better. In fact I just got married to a lovely 20 year old girl.
Congratulations says doc, but a word of advice, you might want to think about getting a lodger in that big house of yours.
Thanks doc says Joe, sound advice.
So six months later, Joe’s back for his check up. Fit as a fiddle says doc to Joe, by the way, how’s your lovely young wife?
Oh says Joe, she’s great, in fact she’s pregnant.
Wow, says doc, how’s the lodger I advised you to get.
She’s fine says Joe, in fact she’s pregnant too.

 

[Mavericks Choice]

A guy is walking past a driveway and sees a Jamaican putting up a sign that reads "Boat for sale." The man looks but all he can see is a caravan and a jeep. Confused he says to the Jamaican, "Where's the boat, all I see is a caravan and a jeep?" "Yes, mon," replies the Jamaican, "and they're boat for sale!"

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Sally, a blonde, goes on her first camping trip. Her husband, who was a Scout Leader, was sick so she volunteered to take over for him for the weekend:
She got everyone together and assigned different duties to each scout.
Gabby was responsible for the food supplies, Mike would be the cook this trip, Johnnie was responsible for their maps and making up a time schedule, Tim was to decide on their events, and to fit them into Johnnie's schedule and Sally would test all their equipment before setting out.
They arrived at Big Moose Mountain and everyone was excited. They arrived right on schedule and were getting ready for their first event – hiking up the mountain.
But first, they wanted to get something to eat. So Sally asked Mike if he would prepare the meal and, of course, Mike said he would.
About 10 minutes later he came back and told Sally. "I can't make the supper. I can't light a fire with the matches you brought."
Sally replied. "I can't understand that. Those matches should be perfectly fine. I tested them all just before we left."

 

[Rocketeer]

A woman went to doctors office where she was seen by one of the new doctors.

After about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down in another room and told her to relax. The older doctor marched down hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor calmly continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

 

[Mavericks Choice]

Three men were hiking through a forest... when they came upon a large raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed: "God, please give
me the strength to cross the river."
Poof!!!
God gave him big arms and strong legs... and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man
prayed: "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river."
Poof!!!
God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs... and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed:
"God, please give me the strength,the tools and the intelligence to cross the river."
Poof!!!
HE WAS TURNED INTO A WOMAN!!!
She checked the map, hiked one hundred
yards upstream ... and walked across the bridge.
Guys, if at first you don't succeed, do it the way your wife told you!